The other day I was sitting with the kids watching television, some child friendly show apparently, where the teenagers all run around with problems that they end up dealing with by themselves in the space of 1/2 hour. The kids were mesmorised but I started thinking if this was what i wanted for my kids to learn.
These shows never have the adult in the place of responsibility. They are absent and void and the kids have to work out their problems for themselves. By allowing my kids to watch these shows am I saying that if you have a problem the last person you should be speaking to is me. I always thought that if they had a problem then they would seek me out. They would be able to talk to me, they would see me as a way of solving the issues that they were having. This got me thinking are the adults and parents of the world becoming invalid in the lives of their children?
My son has started to do this. He comes home with a problem, we walk the dogs and hash out solutions. Not that any of the solutions I offer up are really go ing to work but at least he is talking to me about what is going on in his life. I am hoping that this sets up a life long situation where he will always come to me, that he will always see me as a way of being able to solve his solutions. That he wont take the way out that these kids take and not involve the one or two people in their lives that would be able to offer solutions of some description.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Astrology
Life is interesting, just when you think that you know what you are talking about, life throws you a curve ball. Something that no one ever thinks about, something that even your dreams are not sure they know exists.
I sometimes think that the stars do this to us in ways that we are not even sure we know about. Astrology they say is how wars were started in the days of the Ancient Romans and Greeks, that love was one and lost on the way that the skies aligned, but Im not really sure about all that.
You see every day I read my Stars, in the hope that I would get some insight in to what is about to happen to me - just put it down to being an Aquarius - but every day I am more perplexed and it is not until something happens, sometimes straight away, sometimes not for days that the words make any sense. Who knew that what I needed when I was going for my drivers licence was courage, the stars did.
But lately there words have been coming true with increasing regularity. It is this that is starting to worry me, I know that I said life has an interesting way of throwing you curve balls but realistically the curve balls have already been laid out, all I really need to do is read the words that are right in front of me.
So what am I really going to do? I am going to start believing in what I am reading, I am going to start to contemplate and meditate on what the words are saying to me. Who knows maybe just like the Ancient Romans and Greeks I will do things where only I can be the winner.
I sometimes think that the stars do this to us in ways that we are not even sure we know about. Astrology they say is how wars were started in the days of the Ancient Romans and Greeks, that love was one and lost on the way that the skies aligned, but Im not really sure about all that.
You see every day I read my Stars, in the hope that I would get some insight in to what is about to happen to me - just put it down to being an Aquarius - but every day I am more perplexed and it is not until something happens, sometimes straight away, sometimes not for days that the words make any sense. Who knew that what I needed when I was going for my drivers licence was courage, the stars did.
But lately there words have been coming true with increasing regularity. It is this that is starting to worry me, I know that I said life has an interesting way of throwing you curve balls but realistically the curve balls have already been laid out, all I really need to do is read the words that are right in front of me.
So what am I really going to do? I am going to start believing in what I am reading, I am going to start to contemplate and meditate on what the words are saying to me. Who knows maybe just like the Ancient Romans and Greeks I will do things where only I can be the winner.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Short story writing part 2
Stevie hoped that no one would notice that she was the loner. It made it easier to live with the life that she had at home. Who knew, maybe one of her parents would wake up to themselves and just leave. She'd seen that on different television shows and hoped against hope that one of them would see the light. Looking back out the window, she wondered how she could escape. Just for one moment, or one day from the life that she knew she had waiting.
"Stevie?" her teacher questioned quietly. her eyes flicked quickly back to where the voice had come from and silently wished that the teacher wouldn't ask her a question that she really didn't know the answer to.
"Mmmm," she mumbled smiling just slightly and letting her eyes light up at the same time. That's when she saw it, the look the teachers always gave other students that were dealing with the most awful parts of their lives.
Part 3.
Her brother had been born quickly, not like a normal baby, in many hours and after much pain, but quickly and he had decided that he need to spend the rest of his life living just the same. His blue eyes rarely frowned and the way in which he saw the world had the ability to influence whoever was near. He was a sweet kid, which was a funny way of thinking about him, considering that he had been born 3 minutes before her. The other half of the soul that now possessed her body.
In primary school the two of them had been inseparable. The teachers felt as though they had, had to break them up in the classroom, thinking that this would ensure that she, the smarter of the two, had a better chance to be educated. John had started the tantrum and by the end of the 10 minute period neither had been moved, and neither was likely too either. Stevie liked that. He was her safe harbour, her anchor, her ability to breathe.
But that, like the happy family she had, had all passed. He was gone. Lost to the other world, and now she was alone. Alone with her thoughts, alone with her parents, alone..................and the world sure felt like an empty place without him.
She remembered the day the police had come to the door and the way the sun had shone off their brass buttons and straight into her eyes. They stood, like soliders on guard, still and resolute as they brought their news to the door.
"Mrs Thorn?" they queried, and her mother just nodded her head, looking around her and hoping that some one was going to tell her what was going on.
"We have some bad news...." the older one started. She saw her mother's lip tremble and the first of many tears start to roll down her face. She reached a now cold hand up to her pale face and felt it herself. The only tear she would shed for the one person who was her other self. She felt her mother reach for her other hand and squeeze and over the loud howl that had emitted from a throat, she missed what else was said.
John, she later found out, had decided that this life was not for him. That there was no need for him to remain in a place that had caused him such harm and so he had removed himself from it. Little did he know, that the one person who needed him was the one that he had left behind. Sometimes, she got overwhelming angry at him and others like today she missed that part of her heart that was her brother.
"Stevie?" her teacher questioned quietly. her eyes flicked quickly back to where the voice had come from and silently wished that the teacher wouldn't ask her a question that she really didn't know the answer to.
"Mmmm," she mumbled smiling just slightly and letting her eyes light up at the same time. That's when she saw it, the look the teachers always gave other students that were dealing with the most awful parts of their lives.
Part 3.
Her brother had been born quickly, not like a normal baby, in many hours and after much pain, but quickly and he had decided that he need to spend the rest of his life living just the same. His blue eyes rarely frowned and the way in which he saw the world had the ability to influence whoever was near. He was a sweet kid, which was a funny way of thinking about him, considering that he had been born 3 minutes before her. The other half of the soul that now possessed her body.
In primary school the two of them had been inseparable. The teachers felt as though they had, had to break them up in the classroom, thinking that this would ensure that she, the smarter of the two, had a better chance to be educated. John had started the tantrum and by the end of the 10 minute period neither had been moved, and neither was likely too either. Stevie liked that. He was her safe harbour, her anchor, her ability to breathe.
But that, like the happy family she had, had all passed. He was gone. Lost to the other world, and now she was alone. Alone with her thoughts, alone with her parents, alone..................and the world sure felt like an empty place without him.
She remembered the day the police had come to the door and the way the sun had shone off their brass buttons and straight into her eyes. They stood, like soliders on guard, still and resolute as they brought their news to the door.
"Mrs Thorn?" they queried, and her mother just nodded her head, looking around her and hoping that some one was going to tell her what was going on.
"We have some bad news...." the older one started. She saw her mother's lip tremble and the first of many tears start to roll down her face. She reached a now cold hand up to her pale face and felt it herself. The only tear she would shed for the one person who was her other self. She felt her mother reach for her other hand and squeeze and over the loud howl that had emitted from a throat, she missed what else was said.
John, she later found out, had decided that this life was not for him. That there was no need for him to remain in a place that had caused him such harm and so he had removed himself from it. Little did he know, that the one person who needed him was the one that he had left behind. Sometimes, she got overwhelming angry at him and others like today she missed that part of her heart that was her brother.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Short story writing part 1
Nobody knew her dreams, least of all the teacher at the top of the classroom, slowly and momentously boring her class to death. Nobody knew her desires, least of all the boy sitting across the room from her, with the bleached blonde hair and the sweet smile and clean white teeth. Nobody knew her name, least of all the girl sitting right beside her, trying desperately not to allow her smooth skin to touch her leg. Nobody knew her, least of all herself. The person inside the skin, the mind inside the head, the feelings inside the heart.
Stevie sighed deeply and tried desperately to keep the sobs and tears inside her small frame. She didn’t want anyone in her English class to see her cry. The boys were also macho, the girls all so perfect. She often wondered, sometimes aloud, sometimes silently why she was put in this class. No-one was her friend and no-one was likely to be.
She turned her face away from the other students in her class. Looking out window, she let the teacher’s voice wash over her, trying desperately not to involve herself in anything that was being said. She knew the topic that was being discussed and she also knew that the teacher would expect her to either answer the questions put or add something meaningful to the discussion. She was over the thoughts and expectations of this class. That was the problem when she was placed her.
Hoping the bell would go quickly Stevie started to think. She started to think of everything that had gone on that morning at home. She remembered her father’s thunderous face, she remembered her mother’s tear stained face and she remembered her own fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of her family’s demise and the knowledge that she couldn’t change the future.
The yelling had become the one constant thing in her life. She never knew which parent was going to be at home when the bus pulled in, usually it was her mother but occasionally it was her father. This always made it a really bad day. He only every wanted to complain about her mother. The way she wouldn’t clean the home, the way she cooked his meals, the way she drove the car and on and on it went. Sometimes, Stevie wondered if she was her father’s own personal psychologist. She wanted to escape this and the shouting.
Glancing away from the window, Stevie heard her teacher say,
“Do you all understand?”
Stevie blinked hard, she had missed the task in her own private daydream. What was going to do? To ask a question would reveal her but not asking the question would mean that she could fall behind. And then she glimpsed the essay question on the board and she understood what was required, picking up her pen and flicking it slowly on the book in front of her.
The teacher looked at her, smiling slightly but allowing her green eyes to bore into Stevie’s mind. Stevie smiled wearily back, she knew her teacher knew something about her situation, all the teachers did, but how much she was unsure. That was part of the problem, they all thought they knew about her here, but no one really did.
Stevie sighed deeply and tried desperately to keep the sobs and tears inside her small frame. She didn’t want anyone in her English class to see her cry. The boys were also macho, the girls all so perfect. She often wondered, sometimes aloud, sometimes silently why she was put in this class. No-one was her friend and no-one was likely to be.
She turned her face away from the other students in her class. Looking out window, she let the teacher’s voice wash over her, trying desperately not to involve herself in anything that was being said. She knew the topic that was being discussed and she also knew that the teacher would expect her to either answer the questions put or add something meaningful to the discussion. She was over the thoughts and expectations of this class. That was the problem when she was placed her.
Hoping the bell would go quickly Stevie started to think. She started to think of everything that had gone on that morning at home. She remembered her father’s thunderous face, she remembered her mother’s tear stained face and she remembered her own fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of her family’s demise and the knowledge that she couldn’t change the future.
The yelling had become the one constant thing in her life. She never knew which parent was going to be at home when the bus pulled in, usually it was her mother but occasionally it was her father. This always made it a really bad day. He only every wanted to complain about her mother. The way she wouldn’t clean the home, the way she cooked his meals, the way she drove the car and on and on it went. Sometimes, Stevie wondered if she was her father’s own personal psychologist. She wanted to escape this and the shouting.
Glancing away from the window, Stevie heard her teacher say,
“Do you all understand?”
Stevie blinked hard, she had missed the task in her own private daydream. What was going to do? To ask a question would reveal her but not asking the question would mean that she could fall behind. And then she glimpsed the essay question on the board and she understood what was required, picking up her pen and flicking it slowly on the book in front of her.
The teacher looked at her, smiling slightly but allowing her green eyes to bore into Stevie’s mind. Stevie smiled wearily back, she knew her teacher knew something about her situation, all the teachers did, but how much she was unsure. That was part of the problem, they all thought they knew about her here, but no one really did.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Love Gone Wrong
What happens to the love that we felt when the love is all wrong?
Who says that we are no longer allowed to love someone in the hope that the feelings will miraculously just stop? I mean think about it, when you go on a diet you dont just suddenly stop wanting junk food. You don't just stop wanting chocolate, or Maccas or what ever it is that is your ultimate choice of junk. You know that you are not allowed to want this food, you know that when you eat it you feel awful but you also know that you will never be able to live without it completely.
Is this what happens when love goes wrong? On some normal level you know that it is not good for you but that doesn't stop you wanting it just the same.
Let me give you an example:
My friend is able to break up with someone and then never talk to them again. When she realises that they have a flaw that is that, they are gone and she doesn't think about them or talk to them. She believes that when you make the break then you need to ensure that it is a clean break. A break that has no rugged edges and that is crystal clear to all invloved. Im impressed with her resolve, I just wish that mine was just as good.
When I break up with someone I love I still want them around. I dont know if this is punishment for myself or for them. I want to hold on to them, even when it punishes my heart. I think about them constantly and I want to know why they dont feel about me what they use to. I mean if they love you to, where did that love go? Did it run away, or did it fall down the back of the bed in the hope that you would find it when you are cleaning the floor?
The other problem is that when I break up with someone I want to keep these people as my friend. That's a funny concept I know. I mean obivously something was wrong and that is why we are not really together any more. But really if we were friends to start with, why can't we be friends now? Am I not friendship material or am I just a reminder of their failure to have a successful relationship?
All of this got me thinking the other day..............relationships are obviously some persons mean and nasty way of making us think that we should really not be by ourselves, even when ourselves are the best person to have a relationship with.
Who says that we are no longer allowed to love someone in the hope that the feelings will miraculously just stop? I mean think about it, when you go on a diet you dont just suddenly stop wanting junk food. You don't just stop wanting chocolate, or Maccas or what ever it is that is your ultimate choice of junk. You know that you are not allowed to want this food, you know that when you eat it you feel awful but you also know that you will never be able to live without it completely.
Is this what happens when love goes wrong? On some normal level you know that it is not good for you but that doesn't stop you wanting it just the same.
Let me give you an example:
My friend is able to break up with someone and then never talk to them again. When she realises that they have a flaw that is that, they are gone and she doesn't think about them or talk to them. She believes that when you make the break then you need to ensure that it is a clean break. A break that has no rugged edges and that is crystal clear to all invloved. Im impressed with her resolve, I just wish that mine was just as good.
When I break up with someone I love I still want them around. I dont know if this is punishment for myself or for them. I want to hold on to them, even when it punishes my heart. I think about them constantly and I want to know why they dont feel about me what they use to. I mean if they love you to, where did that love go? Did it run away, or did it fall down the back of the bed in the hope that you would find it when you are cleaning the floor?
The other problem is that when I break up with someone I want to keep these people as my friend. That's a funny concept I know. I mean obivously something was wrong and that is why we are not really together any more. But really if we were friends to start with, why can't we be friends now? Am I not friendship material or am I just a reminder of their failure to have a successful relationship?
All of this got me thinking the other day..............relationships are obviously some persons mean and nasty way of making us think that we should really not be by ourselves, even when ourselves are the best person to have a relationship with.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Expectations
Its funny when we build something up in our mind. The way we think about something constantly and have wishes and dreams about what it should be like and then reality hits and you realise that what you thought was not actually what was going to happen.
You build things up in your mind until you have every part of the conversation down, every gesture known and every second played out. You dream about it in advance and it consumes your every waking moment and then the time passes and nothing is the same as it was before.
I have come to realise that these moments are only moments in your mind. That real life is never going to play out the way that you want and that nothing is ever going to change that.
Not that I dont like real life. I love it, the way it comes up and hits you in the face when you least expect it, it reminds you that nothing is as you think. I love my life, well most of the time. I love the friends that I have and my children. I love my family and the way that my life plays out on a day to day basis.
But what I dont like is when someone has you believe something because they havent told you the whole truth. The haven't told you that your expectations are about to be shattered. They haven't told you that what you want from them is just not going to happen. They haven't told you the whole truth but have let you place expectations on what you think is going to happen.
So while my life is great in some ways, I can only hope that in the future these expectations will not lead me astray again. I am going to listen to what people are saying rather than just what i want them to be saying, that way I wont be let down again.
You build things up in your mind until you have every part of the conversation down, every gesture known and every second played out. You dream about it in advance and it consumes your every waking moment and then the time passes and nothing is the same as it was before.
I have come to realise that these moments are only moments in your mind. That real life is never going to play out the way that you want and that nothing is ever going to change that.
Not that I dont like real life. I love it, the way it comes up and hits you in the face when you least expect it, it reminds you that nothing is as you think. I love my life, well most of the time. I love the friends that I have and my children. I love my family and the way that my life plays out on a day to day basis.
But what I dont like is when someone has you believe something because they havent told you the whole truth. The haven't told you that your expectations are about to be shattered. They haven't told you that what you want from them is just not going to happen. They haven't told you the whole truth but have let you place expectations on what you think is going to happen.
So while my life is great in some ways, I can only hope that in the future these expectations will not lead me astray again. I am going to listen to what people are saying rather than just what i want them to be saying, that way I wont be let down again.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Family History
I have recently started researching my family history.
Its a great way to pass plenty of time. I mean you start with a name and you try and work out who is related to you and then you get stuck and have to try a different track. It can take you hours to work out and you end up with so much paper work. But I have found some really interesting facts.
To begin with, one of my relatives died when she had an illegal abortion that went horribly wrong. The woman who did the abortion was subject to two years hard labour after being found guilty of using an illegal instrument inside a body. There was a Coroners hearing and everything. I some how think that at 17, she should probably have gotten married and just had the baby, but instead due to the family and societal attitudes at the time, this young girl died in the prime of her life. Today she would have been allowed to have the baby and just be a single mum, but back then she would have been shunned.
Some of my relatives died before they even started life. Lots of infant mortality, people had big families because some of them died before they even reached 5. It reminded me a lot of Charles Dickens and the lives that he wrote about. Couples having large families so that there was someone to look after them in their old age. Makes sense then, but now, isn't that what the government is for?
Family history is an interesting way to understand your place in the world. But I am learning something more valuable than just names on a page. People are only that - names on a page - until their stories come to life. The young girl who died after an abortion, the kids who dont make the age of 5. The way that people lived and what they did for a living. It makes me keep wondering who is the world before me. What were these people like and am I anything like them? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out......
Its a great way to pass plenty of time. I mean you start with a name and you try and work out who is related to you and then you get stuck and have to try a different track. It can take you hours to work out and you end up with so much paper work. But I have found some really interesting facts.
To begin with, one of my relatives died when she had an illegal abortion that went horribly wrong. The woman who did the abortion was subject to two years hard labour after being found guilty of using an illegal instrument inside a body. There was a Coroners hearing and everything. I some how think that at 17, she should probably have gotten married and just had the baby, but instead due to the family and societal attitudes at the time, this young girl died in the prime of her life. Today she would have been allowed to have the baby and just be a single mum, but back then she would have been shunned.
Some of my relatives died before they even started life. Lots of infant mortality, people had big families because some of them died before they even reached 5. It reminded me a lot of Charles Dickens and the lives that he wrote about. Couples having large families so that there was someone to look after them in their old age. Makes sense then, but now, isn't that what the government is for?
Family history is an interesting way to understand your place in the world. But I am learning something more valuable than just names on a page. People are only that - names on a page - until their stories come to life. The young girl who died after an abortion, the kids who dont make the age of 5. The way that people lived and what they did for a living. It makes me keep wondering who is the world before me. What were these people like and am I anything like them? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out......
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Still the rain.....................
And still the rain continues and I dont know why, but it seems to bring out the worst in city drivers.
When it rains at home people just stay indoors. Nothing much to be done and other things, once neglected are now put on the front burner so to speak and get done quickly.
But in Sydney, its like almost any one who is any one needs to be on the road. Now Im not saying that it is a bad thing, but what is it that makes people think that once they have put their windscreen wipers on, all common sense goes down the drain with the rain.
People change lanes, no indicators. People think that its okay to push into your lane even if there is no space, no indicators. People stopped dead bang straight in front of you, heaven knows how you are meant to stop with causing damage.
Normally, I like driving in the city. People are nice, even polite and pleasant.
But I have made a plan, when it rains, Im going to do what I normally do up home. Go inside, shut all the doors and get some other things done.
When it rains at home people just stay indoors. Nothing much to be done and other things, once neglected are now put on the front burner so to speak and get done quickly.
But in Sydney, its like almost any one who is any one needs to be on the road. Now Im not saying that it is a bad thing, but what is it that makes people think that once they have put their windscreen wipers on, all common sense goes down the drain with the rain.
People change lanes, no indicators. People think that its okay to push into your lane even if there is no space, no indicators. People stopped dead bang straight in front of you, heaven knows how you are meant to stop with causing damage.
Normally, I like driving in the city. People are nice, even polite and pleasant.
But I have made a plan, when it rains, Im going to do what I normally do up home. Go inside, shut all the doors and get some other things done.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Break Ups
I've had quite a few interesting break ups in my day.
The ones over the phone, the ones in person and the ones that are texted to you like the person on the other end just doesn't want to face your (don't quite now what would be happening but there you go).
But the most interesting break up was the one that I just had. To begin with, I was going to break up with this man on Facebook, I now a low act, but he did break up with me via text message on my birthday and to be honest revenge was what I had in mind when I thought this senerio up.
But I got brave and decided that the only way to truly have a break up and remain reasonable in the world of exs was to say the words to their face and thats how I ended up with this interesting break up, where my ex still wants to remain friends. I mean real friends, not just the type you have that you say you are going to call and then never do. But, real friends who will be there for each other, should the other ever need them.
And this got me thinking: would that ever work? Would I still be able to look at them and now that I did not have a claim on their lives, even in some small way. But here's the other thing, I am sure that he is more in love with me than I am with him, remember I instigated the break up, so how is this helping him move on? Or does it really mean that he has no intention of moving on, well at least not in the way I would think is healthy.
So, I said yes, I would stay friends....................who knows how this is going to end up, maybe we wont be friends for long...............keep you posted.
The ones over the phone, the ones in person and the ones that are texted to you like the person on the other end just doesn't want to face your (don't quite now what would be happening but there you go).
But the most interesting break up was the one that I just had. To begin with, I was going to break up with this man on Facebook, I now a low act, but he did break up with me via text message on my birthday and to be honest revenge was what I had in mind when I thought this senerio up.
But I got brave and decided that the only way to truly have a break up and remain reasonable in the world of exs was to say the words to their face and thats how I ended up with this interesting break up, where my ex still wants to remain friends. I mean real friends, not just the type you have that you say you are going to call and then never do. But, real friends who will be there for each other, should the other ever need them.
And this got me thinking: would that ever work? Would I still be able to look at them and now that I did not have a claim on their lives, even in some small way. But here's the other thing, I am sure that he is more in love with me than I am with him, remember I instigated the break up, so how is this helping him move on? Or does it really mean that he has no intention of moving on, well at least not in the way I would think is healthy.
So, I said yes, I would stay friends....................who knows how this is going to end up, maybe we wont be friends for long...............keep you posted.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
More Sydney details
Sydney should be known as the city of lights.
It gets dark here at around 5pm and the lights start flickering on. First, one area and then another and before you know it the entire city is light up like a Christmas tree (a cliche I know but I still love it). You can see the lights roll across the city like a huge wave rolling across the beach.
The city lights make the place just a little bit more interesting. Orange here, bright white over there and it reminds you that even if you are alone in this big city, you are never really lonely. Its a pleasure to realise that daybreak can steal the lights away just like night fosters them onto the city.
I am starting to love the city lights. I am starting to appreciate the way their beauty is allowed to show in the night sky. I am starting to realise that people look at them in wonder, when really they should be turning their faces skyward and looking at the moon and stars.
The artificalness of the lights is a reminder to me of everything that I dont have, while I am jaunting in Sydney. I miss my stars the real lights of the night. The way that they light up my path when I get home on a particular inky night is amazing, sometimes it feels as though they are just put there for me.
But for now I will be content with what I have. For they are the stars that are lighting my world at the moment and they will make me appreciate what I have at home, far more than never having them at all.
It gets dark here at around 5pm and the lights start flickering on. First, one area and then another and before you know it the entire city is light up like a Christmas tree (a cliche I know but I still love it). You can see the lights roll across the city like a huge wave rolling across the beach.
The city lights make the place just a little bit more interesting. Orange here, bright white over there and it reminds you that even if you are alone in this big city, you are never really lonely. Its a pleasure to realise that daybreak can steal the lights away just like night fosters them onto the city.
I am starting to love the city lights. I am starting to appreciate the way their beauty is allowed to show in the night sky. I am starting to realise that people look at them in wonder, when really they should be turning their faces skyward and looking at the moon and stars.
The artificalness of the lights is a reminder to me of everything that I dont have, while I am jaunting in Sydney. I miss my stars the real lights of the night. The way that they light up my path when I get home on a particular inky night is amazing, sometimes it feels as though they are just put there for me.
But for now I will be content with what I have. For they are the stars that are lighting my world at the moment and they will make me appreciate what I have at home, far more than never having them at all.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Observations of Sydney
So here I am in Sydney.
The world of lights and noise, smells and heart.
Its an interesting place really when you think about it.
Just listening to the conversations on the street as I walk to work thrills me. Different languages and ideas all filtering out of one person and being passed on to another. It reminds me of all the things that I love about the place.
But heres the thing. The fashion is not just out of a magazine article, its off the planet. People have the most amazing mix and matches happening that its almost scary to look at them as you walk along the street. Tights and boots, jeans and boots, all manner of tops and scarves. If there was one thing that I could say was defintely in for this year it would have to be scarves, they are absolutely every where.
And I am trying to fit in, although I don't have scarves as good as them, just yet........
The world of lights and noise, smells and heart.
Its an interesting place really when you think about it.
Just listening to the conversations on the street as I walk to work thrills me. Different languages and ideas all filtering out of one person and being passed on to another. It reminds me of all the things that I love about the place.
But heres the thing. The fashion is not just out of a magazine article, its off the planet. People have the most amazing mix and matches happening that its almost scary to look at them as you walk along the street. Tights and boots, jeans and boots, all manner of tops and scarves. If there was one thing that I could say was defintely in for this year it would have to be scarves, they are absolutely every where.
And I am trying to fit in, although I don't have scarves as good as them, just yet........
Friday, April 24, 2009
ANZAC Day
This morning as I was standing in the pre dawn light waiting for the local dawn service and listening to the people as they congregated around the centotaph I realised that this day is one of the true days when we get to celebrate exactly who we are.
People came from all over, the police officers on duty, the fire men who had not been called out and the bikies (the ones that we have heard so much about lately), came together with veterans and others who wanted to pay their most humbling respects.
What I was thinking as I was standing there, was not about what had happened all those years ago to ensure that today is forever marked in our lives, but what would I have done if I was placed in the same position as those men (and later women) who sarcrified so much for things they didn't understand?
They didn't understand the political nature of war, the didn't understand what could happen on foreign shores and I really don't think they understood that the people they were fighting didn't know why people were invading their nation. Weren't the Turks just as justified in protecting their country, just like we felt justified protecting our own when needed?
I was worried as I stood there, that many of the veterans there were getting older and older and that one day they will not be there to remember, that it will be up to their children and their children's children to remember what happened so long ago on foriegn lands.
But it wasn't until I got home and I started reading the paper, that I realised nothing that happened 94 years ago has changed anything for the people of the world. Fighting is still going on in places were our troops are still stationed.
I know that as I stood there in pre dawn light I felt proud of people who have fought and are still fighting for our good. That their sacrifice is our life, and the one that we cherish and a lot of the time take for granted.
And if you meet a veteran today, or any day take the time to say "thank you". I'm sure they will understand your platitude.
People came from all over, the police officers on duty, the fire men who had not been called out and the bikies (the ones that we have heard so much about lately), came together with veterans and others who wanted to pay their most humbling respects.
What I was thinking as I was standing there, was not about what had happened all those years ago to ensure that today is forever marked in our lives, but what would I have done if I was placed in the same position as those men (and later women) who sarcrified so much for things they didn't understand?
They didn't understand the political nature of war, the didn't understand what could happen on foreign shores and I really don't think they understood that the people they were fighting didn't know why people were invading their nation. Weren't the Turks just as justified in protecting their country, just like we felt justified protecting our own when needed?
I was worried as I stood there, that many of the veterans there were getting older and older and that one day they will not be there to remember, that it will be up to their children and their children's children to remember what happened so long ago on foriegn lands.
But it wasn't until I got home and I started reading the paper, that I realised nothing that happened 94 years ago has changed anything for the people of the world. Fighting is still going on in places were our troops are still stationed.
I know that as I stood there in pre dawn light I felt proud of people who have fought and are still fighting for our good. That their sacrifice is our life, and the one that we cherish and a lot of the time take for granted.
And if you meet a veteran today, or any day take the time to say "thank you". I'm sure they will understand your platitude.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Chooks
Okay, I have a huge confession to make.
I hate birds and more importantly I hate my chickens. They are ugly animals and they make my skin crawl. They are all brown, except for the ugliest white bird I have ever seen. You see its not that the chickens have done anything wrong, its just that they are birds.
When I was younger I had an incident with a packet of chips and an emu and that has lead to this insane phobia of all birds. I keep thinking that they are only thinking about ways to peck out my eyes and that in a mob that would be easier than anything that they have ever tried to do before.
But it gets worst, since the kids are not happily with their dad for a while I am now expected to be able to look after these animals. Feed and water I can do, throwing the food in as quickly as possible and filling up their water containers from outside the cage. But we have run into a problem, egg collection.
You see all through summer they have not been laying. Something about it being to hot and not getting enough of something, god only knows what though. But I think that now that their primary carer has left for a while, they have started again. They are making all the right noises and they seem to greet the morning with more gusto then they ever have before. One thing can only be happening in that cage each morning, egg production must have started again. Ahhhh…………………how am I going to get them?
You see Im all right with the idea of throwing food at them and watering from the outside, but stepping into that cage, please pluck my eyebrows with a hot poker. A cant at the moment make the time to go into the cage and as I said their primary carer is away. What am I meant to do? Im not ready to over come my phobia just yet, in fact I want to cling to it like a stranded passenger on the Titanic clinging to a lifeboat.
So that is the latest dilemma on the farm, realistically it’s the only dilemma on the farm at the moment. That and trying to work out which part of the fence the dogs are escaping from now.
I hate birds and more importantly I hate my chickens. They are ugly animals and they make my skin crawl. They are all brown, except for the ugliest white bird I have ever seen. You see its not that the chickens have done anything wrong, its just that they are birds.
When I was younger I had an incident with a packet of chips and an emu and that has lead to this insane phobia of all birds. I keep thinking that they are only thinking about ways to peck out my eyes and that in a mob that would be easier than anything that they have ever tried to do before.
But it gets worst, since the kids are not happily with their dad for a while I am now expected to be able to look after these animals. Feed and water I can do, throwing the food in as quickly as possible and filling up their water containers from outside the cage. But we have run into a problem, egg collection.
You see all through summer they have not been laying. Something about it being to hot and not getting enough of something, god only knows what though. But I think that now that their primary carer has left for a while, they have started again. They are making all the right noises and they seem to greet the morning with more gusto then they ever have before. One thing can only be happening in that cage each morning, egg production must have started again. Ahhhh…………………how am I going to get them?
You see Im all right with the idea of throwing food at them and watering from the outside, but stepping into that cage, please pluck my eyebrows with a hot poker. A cant at the moment make the time to go into the cage and as I said their primary carer is away. What am I meant to do? Im not ready to over come my phobia just yet, in fact I want to cling to it like a stranded passenger on the Titanic clinging to a lifeboat.
So that is the latest dilemma on the farm, realistically it’s the only dilemma on the farm at the moment. That and trying to work out which part of the fence the dogs are escaping from now.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
relationship angst
I didn’t realise that relationships were so difficult. I didn’t understand what it meant to love someone and hope that they would love you in return. The waiting and wondering if what you are doing is the right thing or if it is just going to put you in the dog house for who knows how many hours and days. Hoping that you are doing it right and wondering most of the time what the other person is thinking.
Im in the middle of a relationship. Most of the time it is fantastic, loving and kind. But some of the time I desperately need an air bag for the crash that is happening. The way that you cant seem to say or do the right thing. The way things that have happened leave you wondering if this is all you are going to get again in your life. I mean I left my marriage because I wasn’t in love with the person is this relationship that I am having at the moment the karma that I got for that. Have I not apologised enough for falling out of love with one man, that another gets to treat me any way he wants.
And if this is karma what else did I not take notice of in my previous relationship to deserve this. What did I do that was absolutely so awful that I needed to have this in return? I know that I was not always the best wife, who knows how you are really meant to be that. No manual has ever been written about how to be the best wife in the post feminist world. So I know that I was only doing the best that I could at the time when problems were presented to me. But why do I need this karma in return????
They say that karma has a way of making you understand. That its there to ensure that you are able to atone for sins that you may or may not have seen coming. But what happens when you acknowledge karma and it still kicks your arse all over the place. I always thought that my ex would be the one who would have karma kick his arse but of course that is not to be, he has a fiancé, they seem to be happily in love and I have a relationship that is starting to look as though it is past its used by date.
The worst thing is I don’t know what to really do. Do you hang around and hope that the good days return or do you cut your losses and run because you know that is all you have left in you. I know that its gonna hurt lots of people, A, me and the kids (in some weird way). Ahhh………..what am I going to do? What is the answer? Maybe more thinking time is what is needed right now.
Im in the middle of a relationship. Most of the time it is fantastic, loving and kind. But some of the time I desperately need an air bag for the crash that is happening. The way that you cant seem to say or do the right thing. The way things that have happened leave you wondering if this is all you are going to get again in your life. I mean I left my marriage because I wasn’t in love with the person is this relationship that I am having at the moment the karma that I got for that. Have I not apologised enough for falling out of love with one man, that another gets to treat me any way he wants.
And if this is karma what else did I not take notice of in my previous relationship to deserve this. What did I do that was absolutely so awful that I needed to have this in return? I know that I was not always the best wife, who knows how you are really meant to be that. No manual has ever been written about how to be the best wife in the post feminist world. So I know that I was only doing the best that I could at the time when problems were presented to me. But why do I need this karma in return????
They say that karma has a way of making you understand. That its there to ensure that you are able to atone for sins that you may or may not have seen coming. But what happens when you acknowledge karma and it still kicks your arse all over the place. I always thought that my ex would be the one who would have karma kick his arse but of course that is not to be, he has a fiancé, they seem to be happily in love and I have a relationship that is starting to look as though it is past its used by date.
The worst thing is I don’t know what to really do. Do you hang around and hope that the good days return or do you cut your losses and run because you know that is all you have left in you. I know that its gonna hurt lots of people, A, me and the kids (in some weird way). Ahhh………..what am I going to do? What is the answer? Maybe more thinking time is what is needed right now.
Friday, April 17, 2009
when women turn
So the kids have gone to their dad's for the next 2 weeks at least. After that they will be living with their dad for a few months. I am going to miss them terribly. But I have decided that I need to be selfish about something.
To me I have always put everyone first. Nothing was ever to big or to small, everything needed to be done in the way they wanted. J never ever lets me playstation for this simple reason. E thinks that I am strange at times, and sometimes will only let me listen to certain music which then she gets to dance with me. So to be honest I am a little bit scared of being selfish, what happens if it is all just to much for the kids and they decide they want to stay with their dad indefinitely? Does that mean that being selfish is not something that a woman is allowed to do?
That is what I am thinking about. When is it okay to be selfish when you are a mother? When is okay to want something that has nothing to do with your children? I have read many books about what woman lose when they decide to put themselves first. We are conditioned as children to look up to the mother who is able to combine work and play successfully, if she has a husband then she is suppose to fulfill his needs as well. Even in sitcoms the most successful women are the ones that are able to never be to selflish but can also deliver her lines in a funny and interesting way - all this on top of looking absolutely perfect. Ah, if only life was a sitcom right?
Well, its not. When I first told my people what I was thinking of doing for a while, comments ran along the way that I was being selfish and I really needed to think about this thoughougly. But if this was some mans decision, then it would be accepted as what he had to do to complete his career path. Being part of the post feminist era I thought that a career was my right as well, that woman didn't just have jobs for a small amount of time but a career that they could be proud of and something that they could enjoy, heaven forbid they ever actually admit to that. At my girl's school growing up I thought that the school motto was "Girls can do anything" (Girls high school), so where they only setting me up for failure?
If we are telling our girls that they are able to do anything they want why then do we punish them when they try? I am hoping that I am bringing up E to believe that she is able to do anything that she puts her mind to. I am hoping that she believes that is allowed by society to think that she has the capabilities to do anything, and if she is offered something that makes her a little bit selfish than I am hoping that she takes the position and knows that society as a whole, and the people who love her in particular will be there for her no matter what.
To me I have always put everyone first. Nothing was ever to big or to small, everything needed to be done in the way they wanted. J never ever lets me playstation for this simple reason. E thinks that I am strange at times, and sometimes will only let me listen to certain music which then she gets to dance with me. So to be honest I am a little bit scared of being selfish, what happens if it is all just to much for the kids and they decide they want to stay with their dad indefinitely? Does that mean that being selfish is not something that a woman is allowed to do?
That is what I am thinking about. When is it okay to be selfish when you are a mother? When is okay to want something that has nothing to do with your children? I have read many books about what woman lose when they decide to put themselves first. We are conditioned as children to look up to the mother who is able to combine work and play successfully, if she has a husband then she is suppose to fulfill his needs as well. Even in sitcoms the most successful women are the ones that are able to never be to selflish but can also deliver her lines in a funny and interesting way - all this on top of looking absolutely perfect. Ah, if only life was a sitcom right?
Well, its not. When I first told my people what I was thinking of doing for a while, comments ran along the way that I was being selfish and I really needed to think about this thoughougly. But if this was some mans decision, then it would be accepted as what he had to do to complete his career path. Being part of the post feminist era I thought that a career was my right as well, that woman didn't just have jobs for a small amount of time but a career that they could be proud of and something that they could enjoy, heaven forbid they ever actually admit to that. At my girl's school growing up I thought that the school motto was "Girls can do anything" (Girls high school), so where they only setting me up for failure?
If we are telling our girls that they are able to do anything they want why then do we punish them when they try? I am hoping that I am bringing up E to believe that she is able to do anything that she puts her mind to. I am hoping that she believes that is allowed by society to think that she has the capabilities to do anything, and if she is offered something that makes her a little bit selfish than I am hoping that she takes the position and knows that society as a whole, and the people who love her in particular will be there for her no matter what.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter
So Easter is just about done. The eggs have been handed out and there will be belly aches tonite from the amount of chocolate that was consumed. They tell me that chocolate is good for you, so I'm really not all that worried. No dark chocolate to be seen but kids don't know the difference, so just for one day neither do I.
Apart from all of that we had our own little resserection this morning, in the form of our two dogs. They had been missing since Palm Thursday and after being unable to locate them on Good Friday I had, mistakenly so it had turned out, believe them to be dead. So imagine my surprise when this morning there they were, happy to see me and really hungry. To me it was almost a miracle, especially considering where we live, where they is bush but not much else. I was so happy to see them that I nearly cried. Proclaiming loudly to the little ones that a true Easter miracle had happened.
Well, let me tell you by midday, when the barking had gotten to epic proportions I thought that it was a miracle that they were still alive. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dogs. I love them so much that some people think that Im actually crazy. But this incessant barking that they had brought home was doing my head in. I understood that they were upset because the chooks were out, so they had to be chained up. I understood that all they wanted to do was run around the place, but that had just spent three days running so what did they really need to keep moving for?
In the end, we had to shut up the chooks early and let the dogs roam free. Now Im just hoping that the fence I fixed this morning will be enough to keep them in.
Happy Easter all..................
Apart from all of that we had our own little resserection this morning, in the form of our two dogs. They had been missing since Palm Thursday and after being unable to locate them on Good Friday I had, mistakenly so it had turned out, believe them to be dead. So imagine my surprise when this morning there they were, happy to see me and really hungry. To me it was almost a miracle, especially considering where we live, where they is bush but not much else. I was so happy to see them that I nearly cried. Proclaiming loudly to the little ones that a true Easter miracle had happened.
Well, let me tell you by midday, when the barking had gotten to epic proportions I thought that it was a miracle that they were still alive. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dogs. I love them so much that some people think that Im actually crazy. But this incessant barking that they had brought home was doing my head in. I understood that they were upset because the chooks were out, so they had to be chained up. I understood that all they wanted to do was run around the place, but that had just spent three days running so what did they really need to keep moving for?
In the end, we had to shut up the chooks early and let the dogs roam free. Now Im just hoping that the fence I fixed this morning will be enough to keep them in.
Happy Easter all..................
Saturday, April 11, 2009
And then came the rain............
Well, it has finally happened the rain has finally come and boy has it set in for the weekend - same thing happened last Easter and it was earlier in the year.
I love the rain when it starts, the way it makes everything nice and new looking. The water shinning off leaves and grass and making the air smell as though only newness can happen. I love the rain when it continues for a few hours. Snuggling under a blanket, reading or just watching TV. I love the idea that nothing exists outside, or at least in your own mind.
The only problem is when the rain doesn't stop. When the it continues and continues and you know that there is going to be no letting up. Its a little scary, especially where I live. The causeways fill up with water and the water covers the road in places that are normally dry. But as they keep filling up then you start to wonder, am I going to be stuck at home for longer than planned. Will my food supply keep me until I can get out?????
But does this not allow the other beliefs that I have about my life to be finally fulfilled? I love coming home on Friday nite and not going back into town until Monday, when work is calling. The fact that I dont want to leave here when I have the ability seems to be completely backflipped when I do have the ability not to leave here. Why does this happen??? I am still at odds to understand this.
But if we are flooded in, what happens then? The kids will only be able to occupy their time for so long, I will need supplies (both personal and food wise) and I will need contact with other people. Just someone to have a coffee with, someone to have a laugh with, just someone that knows how to debate. Now Im not saying that the kids are awful people or that I dont like spending time with them but I am thinking that at some point I am going to need adult company. That's one of the reasons that I go to work on Monday morning.
And here is the other problem that i have - a huge pile of washing and no dryer. Now I have been living this way for a long time but its only when the real comes that I remember that at some point I am actually going to need to buy a real dryer. Ahh.....I wonder what will come first the Government stimulus package or the sunshine.........well just have to wait and see.
I love the rain when it starts, the way it makes everything nice and new looking. The water shinning off leaves and grass and making the air smell as though only newness can happen. I love the rain when it continues for a few hours. Snuggling under a blanket, reading or just watching TV. I love the idea that nothing exists outside, or at least in your own mind.
The only problem is when the rain doesn't stop. When the it continues and continues and you know that there is going to be no letting up. Its a little scary, especially where I live. The causeways fill up with water and the water covers the road in places that are normally dry. But as they keep filling up then you start to wonder, am I going to be stuck at home for longer than planned. Will my food supply keep me until I can get out?????
But does this not allow the other beliefs that I have about my life to be finally fulfilled? I love coming home on Friday nite and not going back into town until Monday, when work is calling. The fact that I dont want to leave here when I have the ability seems to be completely backflipped when I do have the ability not to leave here. Why does this happen??? I am still at odds to understand this.
But if we are flooded in, what happens then? The kids will only be able to occupy their time for so long, I will need supplies (both personal and food wise) and I will need contact with other people. Just someone to have a coffee with, someone to have a laugh with, just someone that knows how to debate. Now Im not saying that the kids are awful people or that I dont like spending time with them but I am thinking that at some point I am going to need adult company. That's one of the reasons that I go to work on Monday morning.
And here is the other problem that i have - a huge pile of washing and no dryer. Now I have been living this way for a long time but its only when the real comes that I remember that at some point I am actually going to need to buy a real dryer. Ahh.....I wonder what will come first the Government stimulus package or the sunshine.........well just have to wait and see.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Almost there
So the school holidays are getting closer. One day left of others people's children and I get to spend a few days with my own.
It scares me just a little bit, what am i going to do with my own children? I think that sometimes I have forgotten to have fun with them. What happens when they want to play games? I mean I don't really do games, I know they are able to teach children many valuable things, sportsmanship, fairness and respect for others. But Im not a game person. To be completely honest, they bore me. There you are, please mark me down as a bad parent, but I dont like games. I don't like having to sit there and pretend that what is happening on the board is actually interesting me. Maybe that is why they are called "bored" games!!!!
The other day I swapped board games for nail polish. Now Im not really a girly-girl either. But it was definately preferable to Monopoly. The only game I know that is suppose to teach real life money skills, but when could you ever buy a property for only $500. Maybe 50 years ago, but seriously today, unless you have 1/2 a million dollars you really have no look in. Real life skills, huh!!!!!
I don't mind playing Playstation with my son, well up until a point. That point usually happens when my son tells my quiet earnestly that I don't play like Im suppose to and if I am not going to play properly then I should just go away. Well, who died and made him king of the playstation. I havent had a chance to play playstation in about 6 months. Secretly I am just waiting for them to go and visit their dad so that i can have a whole day just to myself with junk food and racing games.
Now, that is what I call fun, where games are concerned.
So what am I going to do with children during the next few days, that doesn't involve board games or money? Now that really is a challenge.
It scares me just a little bit, what am i going to do with my own children? I think that sometimes I have forgotten to have fun with them. What happens when they want to play games? I mean I don't really do games, I know they are able to teach children many valuable things, sportsmanship, fairness and respect for others. But Im not a game person. To be completely honest, they bore me. There you are, please mark me down as a bad parent, but I dont like games. I don't like having to sit there and pretend that what is happening on the board is actually interesting me. Maybe that is why they are called "bored" games!!!!
The other day I swapped board games for nail polish. Now Im not really a girly-girl either. But it was definately preferable to Monopoly. The only game I know that is suppose to teach real life money skills, but when could you ever buy a property for only $500. Maybe 50 years ago, but seriously today, unless you have 1/2 a million dollars you really have no look in. Real life skills, huh!!!!!
I don't mind playing Playstation with my son, well up until a point. That point usually happens when my son tells my quiet earnestly that I don't play like Im suppose to and if I am not going to play properly then I should just go away. Well, who died and made him king of the playstation. I havent had a chance to play playstation in about 6 months. Secretly I am just waiting for them to go and visit their dad so that i can have a whole day just to myself with junk food and racing games.
Now, that is what I call fun, where games are concerned.
So what am I going to do with children during the next few days, that doesn't involve board games or money? Now that really is a challenge.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sydney
I went to Sydney over the weekend for work.
I love going to Sydney, I love the concept of flying in and then out of a place that I like visiting but not living in. I love the shops and the availability of food. But just one thing gets me about Sydney the people.
Now don't get me wrong. I have lived there for a very long time before I moved and I don't think I noticed the way people were. The way that they look at you, when you say hello to them as you are walking down the street. Or the fact that when you slide past them they hold their handbags or wallets just a little closer to themselves.
Maybe they have been brought up to believe the worst in people, or maybe they have been so bombarded with messages from the media that if a person tries acts friendly then you need to act a certain way. But why, would they look that way at me. I mean I smile at them, I nod my head in a most agreeable way, and I make eye contact. I dont look like a mad man (woman) or any one that is going to do something so why do they always look like that at me?
Maybe I need to change my approach. Maybe I should forget that for the last few months I have lived in a place where people are open and friendly. It makes me miss home all the more and this weekend that is the only place I wanted to be.
I love going to Sydney, I love the concept of flying in and then out of a place that I like visiting but not living in. I love the shops and the availability of food. But just one thing gets me about Sydney the people.
Now don't get me wrong. I have lived there for a very long time before I moved and I don't think I noticed the way people were. The way that they look at you, when you say hello to them as you are walking down the street. Or the fact that when you slide past them they hold their handbags or wallets just a little closer to themselves.
Maybe they have been brought up to believe the worst in people, or maybe they have been so bombarded with messages from the media that if a person tries acts friendly then you need to act a certain way. But why, would they look that way at me. I mean I smile at them, I nod my head in a most agreeable way, and I make eye contact. I dont look like a mad man (woman) or any one that is going to do something so why do they always look like that at me?
Maybe I need to change my approach. Maybe I should forget that for the last few months I have lived in a place where people are open and friendly. It makes me miss home all the more and this weekend that is the only place I wanted to be.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Wondering
Okay, today I could write about two interesting things that have happened out here in the last few days, but Im wondering do I embarrass my son or just talk about my daughter.
Let's just start at the beginning.
On the weekend I ended up bribing E. I know that all the really good parenting books say this is not going to get you anywhere, but they have not met my daughter. You see she is really good at talking, I keep thinking that when God created this small girl, he gave her an extra pair of vocal cords. So this is what I did, I loved my daughter through out the weekend. Heck, I even let her talk to me when I was in the toilet and shower. No moment was private and all my own all weekend. Hence, the bribing that happened. I was sitting there after lunch on Sunday afternoon. The river was running down below and the sun was shining over head when the talking began. By this stage I had truely had enough and so I told her that if she could be quiet for just 30 minutes I would buy her a lovely chocolate. Ah.....silence reined and becuase she still cant tell the time yet, I was able to extend this for a whole hour. Now, Im just hoping that she never learns to tell the time.
I don't know if that made me a bad mother or the thing that happened on Sunday night. J came and see me just before he went to bed. He was looking a little sheepish and said that he had a sore (insert your own word for private part). The long and the short of it, is that he now has an infection. Pills, lotions and the fact that he will have to undergo surgery is just the start of this long and ardious week. The worst part about this, is that the ex just doesn't seem to care. I don't understand this, this is his baby why would he not want to know what was going on in his son's life. But that is a story for another day.
Let's just start at the beginning.
On the weekend I ended up bribing E. I know that all the really good parenting books say this is not going to get you anywhere, but they have not met my daughter. You see she is really good at talking, I keep thinking that when God created this small girl, he gave her an extra pair of vocal cords. So this is what I did, I loved my daughter through out the weekend. Heck, I even let her talk to me when I was in the toilet and shower. No moment was private and all my own all weekend. Hence, the bribing that happened. I was sitting there after lunch on Sunday afternoon. The river was running down below and the sun was shining over head when the talking began. By this stage I had truely had enough and so I told her that if she could be quiet for just 30 minutes I would buy her a lovely chocolate. Ah.....silence reined and becuase she still cant tell the time yet, I was able to extend this for a whole hour. Now, Im just hoping that she never learns to tell the time.
I don't know if that made me a bad mother or the thing that happened on Sunday night. J came and see me just before he went to bed. He was looking a little sheepish and said that he had a sore (insert your own word for private part). The long and the short of it, is that he now has an infection. Pills, lotions and the fact that he will have to undergo surgery is just the start of this long and ardious week. The worst part about this, is that the ex just doesn't seem to care. I don't understand this, this is his baby why would he not want to know what was going on in his son's life. But that is a story for another day.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Life by Numbers
Today I thought that I would write a blog about the numbers that appear in my life. Let's see if I can make it to number 10..........................
1. The most important number ever. One - just me. Loving me and everything I have. Appreciating the animals, land and lifestyle I have now carved out for myself.
2. The number of children, dogs and cats I have. Maybe thats my number. Two kids, two dogs and two cats. Who would have thought that Iwould ever have had cats. Growing up i was definitely not a cat person. They want so much of your attention, wow, the only thing on my list that doesn't need to much attention is the dogs.
3. The number of times I have had to Hannah Montana today. Who created this show, and who do I have to write to millions of time to get it taken off the air.
4. The number of new wires that I have had to put in the fence today to make sure that the dogs no longer could through. I don't know what they did last night, but I had an interesting skull on my lawn this morning and the other thing I'm thinking at this moment is which neighbour do I have to avoid.
5. The time J got home this afternoon. Also the time he talked me into allowing his friend to stay over. Noise once again this weekend.
6. The amount of times that Ive had the same conversation with A and he still doesn't understand why Im annoyed at him. Please can some get this man a book that says, "How to understand woman to stay out of the dog house."
7. The amount of cows that will still be on our property at the end of Winter. Sorry, Joe Jnr but you will become hamburger patties. But at least I wont be selling them to MacDonalds anytime soon.
8. The number of birthday candles on E's birthday cake last week. I love the fact that she is growing up and I also love the fact that she is still young enough to enjoy all of life's little pleasures. I can still remember when she was born boy has she come along way.
9. How many spurs found their ways into my fingers today when I was weeding. Only 3 however, managed to break off into my fingers. Now I just to wait until they came to the surface so that the feeling and pain of them being in their will go away.
10. The number of weeks since I have had a chook lay an egg. What is wrong with these animals? I mean I feed them every day and I make sure they have every thing they want, all I can ask is where are my eggs?
1. The most important number ever. One - just me. Loving me and everything I have. Appreciating the animals, land and lifestyle I have now carved out for myself.
2. The number of children, dogs and cats I have. Maybe thats my number. Two kids, two dogs and two cats. Who would have thought that Iwould ever have had cats. Growing up i was definitely not a cat person. They want so much of your attention, wow, the only thing on my list that doesn't need to much attention is the dogs.
3. The number of times I have had to Hannah Montana today. Who created this show, and who do I have to write to millions of time to get it taken off the air.
4. The number of new wires that I have had to put in the fence today to make sure that the dogs no longer could through. I don't know what they did last night, but I had an interesting skull on my lawn this morning and the other thing I'm thinking at this moment is which neighbour do I have to avoid.
5. The time J got home this afternoon. Also the time he talked me into allowing his friend to stay over. Noise once again this weekend.
6. The amount of times that Ive had the same conversation with A and he still doesn't understand why Im annoyed at him. Please can some get this man a book that says, "How to understand woman to stay out of the dog house."
7. The amount of cows that will still be on our property at the end of Winter. Sorry, Joe Jnr but you will become hamburger patties. But at least I wont be selling them to MacDonalds anytime soon.
8. The number of birthday candles on E's birthday cake last week. I love the fact that she is growing up and I also love the fact that she is still young enough to enjoy all of life's little pleasures. I can still remember when she was born boy has she come along way.
9. How many spurs found their ways into my fingers today when I was weeding. Only 3 however, managed to break off into my fingers. Now I just to wait until they came to the surface so that the feeling and pain of them being in their will go away.
10. The number of weeks since I have had a chook lay an egg. What is wrong with these animals? I mean I feed them every day and I make sure they have every thing they want, all I can ask is where are my eggs?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Homework
I've decided that I'm the homework Nazi!!!!!
This year one of my strange New Year's resolutions was to make sure that my children complete their homework. You see every semester on their reports they get 'Needs Improvement' when it comes to this area of their studies. When this first started happening I thought there was something wrong with me. I meant why couldn't I get my kids to complete their homework, when I could get my students to complete theirs.
Student after student would complete would set whatever task I thought to set but I could never get my own kids to do sheets that had been issued by their well meaning teachers. Week after week I could see them sitting there expectently waiting for my kids to hand in something that tehy had set and yet time and time again they were disappointed.
So for my own NY resolution I decided that they need to fulfill people's expectations. One afternoon a week the television gets turned off and they are set to task. Their sheets are completed and their books are ready.
Now the only thing I need to be able to achieve is them handing in their completed sheets to those expectant teachers who still hold out so much hope.
This year one of my strange New Year's resolutions was to make sure that my children complete their homework. You see every semester on their reports they get 'Needs Improvement' when it comes to this area of their studies. When this first started happening I thought there was something wrong with me. I meant why couldn't I get my kids to complete their homework, when I could get my students to complete theirs.
Student after student would complete would set whatever task I thought to set but I could never get my own kids to do sheets that had been issued by their well meaning teachers. Week after week I could see them sitting there expectently waiting for my kids to hand in something that tehy had set and yet time and time again they were disappointed.
So for my own NY resolution I decided that they need to fulfill people's expectations. One afternoon a week the television gets turned off and they are set to task. Their sheets are completed and their books are ready.
Now the only thing I need to be able to achieve is them handing in their completed sheets to those expectant teachers who still hold out so much hope.
Night Love
Lying there beside you,
Holding you close
Feeling your hope
Feeling your heart
Hoping to chase away
The ghosts of relationships past
Stars overhead
Silence all around
Wondering, hoping, knowing
That you are what I found.
Roughness seeps through
What lays underneath
Stars, bright, shining
Reflected in your eyes
Who said love was simple?
Who said love was kind?
Be there, hold me
Until I'm crazy next time.
Holding you close
Feeling your hope
Feeling your heart
Hoping to chase away
The ghosts of relationships past
Stars overhead
Silence all around
Wondering, hoping, knowing
That you are what I found.
Roughness seeps through
What lays underneath
Stars, bright, shining
Reflected in your eyes
Who said love was simple?
Who said love was kind?
Be there, hold me
Until I'm crazy next time.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Who would have thought?
I was sitting there thinking the other day that I would like to come first in someone's life.
My kids have more of a social life than me so how am I suppose to come first in their lives. I understand that I am not suppose to come first in their lives, they are kids being self centred and egotistical is in their nature.
My ex-husband is my ex-husband because I never came first in my life. This was hard to deal with at first but I learnt to deal with it and added other people to my life to fill the gap that was left. I knew that he was incapable of being anything other than what he was, but like a normal person I wanted more than what he could give me.
I don't understand what is wrong with me that I can not come high on the priority list of people who claim that they love me wholeheartedly. To hope that this may change is something that is futile and understandly sad. So I have made a decision if I am not on anyone else's prioirty list the least I can do is be at the top of mine. Is this selfish? Im not quiet sure, but it something that I need to ensure happens for the next little while.
The funny thing is that I dont know how to go about this, how does someone show self love? How does ensure that they come first, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!!!
My kids have more of a social life than me so how am I suppose to come first in their lives. I understand that I am not suppose to come first in their lives, they are kids being self centred and egotistical is in their nature.
My ex-husband is my ex-husband because I never came first in my life. This was hard to deal with at first but I learnt to deal with it and added other people to my life to fill the gap that was left. I knew that he was incapable of being anything other than what he was, but like a normal person I wanted more than what he could give me.
I don't understand what is wrong with me that I can not come high on the priority list of people who claim that they love me wholeheartedly. To hope that this may change is something that is futile and understandly sad. So I have made a decision if I am not on anyone else's prioirty list the least I can do is be at the top of mine. Is this selfish? Im not quiet sure, but it something that I need to ensure happens for the next little while.
The funny thing is that I dont know how to go about this, how does someone show self love? How does ensure that they come first, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friendship Update
Today I re-read the last blog that I posted and I thought that you all really needed an update.
At the last point, I had just sent the letter to my friend with the hope that she would be able to fogive me for what I now consider almost the unforgivable. I hoped that she would be able to see past the actions that I had started and remember the way it felt when we were in each other companys. Who knew, maybe I was hoping that I could even be a saviour to her disintergrating world.
It was not long after that I got the first of many awkard replies over the next couple of months. To begin with it was an email, that stated that there was no way we could resume the friendship, in fact I knew deep down that if she ever spoke another civil word to me again I should just be grateful. I was scared about getting this reply, could I reply back and more importantly should I reply back. I was scared that she would just delete the email, never having read it and whether it was suppose to absolve me or apologise wholeheartedly, then I would need to really think about what I wanted to say.
The first face to face meeting was scary for me. How would she react and what would we really say to each other? Would there be anything left of the person that I knew back then or would another more resentful person be in her place? To be honest, I didn't really know what to say, how could I resume a normal conversation with a person that I knew that I had let down so badly. Best friend material - at this moment I knew that I wasn't and who knew if I ever would be again.
It was more than awkard. It was down right uncomfortable, not just for me but for all the people who happened to be in the vicinity and although they may not have know the true extent of what happened they knew that something had and that the two people who they knew to be insepertable were now no longer. It good me thinking not long after this, how
You never know, when I wrote that last post we were barely talking, now we call and chat occasionally as well as sharing a drink when we see each other. This time next year, we could almost be back to where we were, well I can only hope.
At the last point, I had just sent the letter to my friend with the hope that she would be able to fogive me for what I now consider almost the unforgivable. I hoped that she would be able to see past the actions that I had started and remember the way it felt when we were in each other companys. Who knew, maybe I was hoping that I could even be a saviour to her disintergrating world.
It was not long after that I got the first of many awkard replies over the next couple of months. To begin with it was an email, that stated that there was no way we could resume the friendship, in fact I knew deep down that if she ever spoke another civil word to me again I should just be grateful. I was scared about getting this reply, could I reply back and more importantly should I reply back. I was scared that she would just delete the email, never having read it and whether it was suppose to absolve me or apologise wholeheartedly, then I would need to really think about what I wanted to say.
The first face to face meeting was scary for me. How would she react and what would we really say to each other? Would there be anything left of the person that I knew back then or would another more resentful person be in her place? To be honest, I didn't really know what to say, how could I resume a normal conversation with a person that I knew that I had let down so badly. Best friend material - at this moment I knew that I wasn't and who knew if I ever would be again.
It was more than awkard. It was down right uncomfortable, not just for me but for all the people who happened to be in the vicinity and although they may not have know the true extent of what happened they knew that something had and that the two people who they knew to be insepertable were now no longer. It good me thinking not long after this, how
You never know, when I wrote that last post we were barely talking, now we call and chat occasionally as well as sharing a drink when we see each other. This time next year, we could almost be back to where we were, well I can only hope.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Friendship, written June 15, 2008
Friendship………………it really is like an old pair of socks that you know how to put on and what they will give you.
Last night I went to watch the new Sex and the City movie. It had been many years since I had sat down to watch an episode of the show that at one time was my absolute favourite. But, just like an old pair of socks the feelings that I had about the characters on the screen came flooding back.
I laughed and I cried and to be honest it felt as though I was catching up on the lives of old friends that had gone from my life. But all of this got me thinking……..what had happened to the people who were friends and had now moved on?
By the time that I had gotten back to my hotel room I had just one major thought. I need some paper and a pen, but only because a sorry letter had to be written to my best friend. She had gone from my life and while I thought about the movie I nearly cried for all that I had lost. You see the girls in Sex where able to keep their friendships going even when everything else was falling apart, but I was unable to do this, especially when I needed to the most.
Let me take you back to the beginning. My BF was not someone that I had met on my first day at school or some one that knew me when my fashion sense was a disaster. My BF was a person that I had met only recently but we had grown so close that we were sisters in every sense of the word except blood. We knew how the other was thinking and phone calls would happen when you just needed them. My BF was the person I could depend on to drop everything and come running when I needed her and she knew the same about me. She even managed to find me a nice fella when one was needed.
So you may be asking yourself at this time, why did I need to compose letter to the one person who should be able to forgive me anything. I let her down, like a thread hanging from that old pair of socks I pulled and pulled until I had unraveled the lot. My BF had a secret that for an entire year I was quiet happy keeping. She seemed happy in her circumstances and really it felt as though no one else was being affected by what was going on.
But I was wrong and it wasn’t until this was pointed out to me that I became the moral police and not only lost my best friend but my sister and life line. I told her to tell her husband her secret and even as I was putting my ultimatum on the table I knew what this would do to her life. Ultimately it would free me of my guilt that I was now starting to feel but I knew deep down that this would ruin her life.
At the time I didn’t think that it would affect our friendship. I thought that I would be the person that she would turn to, just like in the past when things got a little rocky, but I was indeed wrong. I was hoping that she would call on me and that I would assist her in making life decisions and picking up the pieces of her life. I always thought that our friendship was bigger than any of this, that our shared bond would mean more to her than what I was putting her through at this moment.
Of course, all of this was not to be.
Our friendship died, not naturally the way that some do - people growing up and moving on but abruptly almost like pulling a band aid off a hairy leg. Hence, the fact that I needed to write the letter, and I needed to write it now. I wanted to apologise for everything that I had put her through. I wanted to apologise for letting her down and I wanted to apologise for not being the person that she thought that I was.
Watching the girls on the screen brought all this back to me. The girl’s friendship on the screen was everything that my BF and I shared and I want that back desperately. Now, all I have to do is send the letter and sit and hope that just like in the movie everything will turn out all right in the end.
Last night I went to watch the new Sex and the City movie. It had been many years since I had sat down to watch an episode of the show that at one time was my absolute favourite. But, just like an old pair of socks the feelings that I had about the characters on the screen came flooding back.
I laughed and I cried and to be honest it felt as though I was catching up on the lives of old friends that had gone from my life. But all of this got me thinking……..what had happened to the people who were friends and had now moved on?
By the time that I had gotten back to my hotel room I had just one major thought. I need some paper and a pen, but only because a sorry letter had to be written to my best friend. She had gone from my life and while I thought about the movie I nearly cried for all that I had lost. You see the girls in Sex where able to keep their friendships going even when everything else was falling apart, but I was unable to do this, especially when I needed to the most.
Let me take you back to the beginning. My BF was not someone that I had met on my first day at school or some one that knew me when my fashion sense was a disaster. My BF was a person that I had met only recently but we had grown so close that we were sisters in every sense of the word except blood. We knew how the other was thinking and phone calls would happen when you just needed them. My BF was the person I could depend on to drop everything and come running when I needed her and she knew the same about me. She even managed to find me a nice fella when one was needed.
So you may be asking yourself at this time, why did I need to compose letter to the one person who should be able to forgive me anything. I let her down, like a thread hanging from that old pair of socks I pulled and pulled until I had unraveled the lot. My BF had a secret that for an entire year I was quiet happy keeping. She seemed happy in her circumstances and really it felt as though no one else was being affected by what was going on.
But I was wrong and it wasn’t until this was pointed out to me that I became the moral police and not only lost my best friend but my sister and life line. I told her to tell her husband her secret and even as I was putting my ultimatum on the table I knew what this would do to her life. Ultimately it would free me of my guilt that I was now starting to feel but I knew deep down that this would ruin her life.
At the time I didn’t think that it would affect our friendship. I thought that I would be the person that she would turn to, just like in the past when things got a little rocky, but I was indeed wrong. I was hoping that she would call on me and that I would assist her in making life decisions and picking up the pieces of her life. I always thought that our friendship was bigger than any of this, that our shared bond would mean more to her than what I was putting her through at this moment.
Of course, all of this was not to be.
Our friendship died, not naturally the way that some do - people growing up and moving on but abruptly almost like pulling a band aid off a hairy leg. Hence, the fact that I needed to write the letter, and I needed to write it now. I wanted to apologise for everything that I had put her through. I wanted to apologise for letting her down and I wanted to apologise for not being the person that she thought that I was.
Watching the girls on the screen brought all this back to me. The girl’s friendship on the screen was everything that my BF and I shared and I want that back desperately. Now, all I have to do is send the letter and sit and hope that just like in the movie everything will turn out all right in the end.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Men!!!!!
What is it aobut men that makes us think that we can understand them?
I know that the book states that they come from a completely different planet to us, what was it Venus or Mars, Im really hoping Mars at this moment. Martians and men, Im sure that they would make the perfect combination.
But what is it about them, that makes them so hard to understand? I mean take today. A was upset, life was not treating him as well as he would have wanted, and yet there was nothing that I could do that would cheer him up. I tried trust me, I tried all the tricks I knew and then just for good measure all the tricks that I normally try on my children, nothing!!!!!
But, then he makes one phone call and the smile is back on his face and he can not understand why I am so upset. Hello!!! What had I just been trying to do all day???? Have you forgotten everything that I had tried so far?
What made it worst was that he got all upset because I was upset at what he did. Please, you have to understand how that would look for a woman. She has tried and been rejected, but someone on the end of a phone has changed everything for you.
Maybe being single, really single has an appeal for me at this moment anyway.
I know that the book states that they come from a completely different planet to us, what was it Venus or Mars, Im really hoping Mars at this moment. Martians and men, Im sure that they would make the perfect combination.
But what is it about them, that makes them so hard to understand? I mean take today. A was upset, life was not treating him as well as he would have wanted, and yet there was nothing that I could do that would cheer him up. I tried trust me, I tried all the tricks I knew and then just for good measure all the tricks that I normally try on my children, nothing!!!!!
But, then he makes one phone call and the smile is back on his face and he can not understand why I am so upset. Hello!!! What had I just been trying to do all day???? Have you forgotten everything that I had tried so far?
What made it worst was that he got all upset because I was upset at what he did. Please, you have to understand how that would look for a woman. She has tried and been rejected, but someone on the end of a phone has changed everything for you.
Maybe being single, really single has an appeal for me at this moment anyway.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Dinner
Tonight I decided that the kids could get their own dinner.
I know what you are thinking, that is really harsh for kids that are so little, but Im of the belief that they only become self sufficent when they are sometimes left to their own devices and have to be self relient. It is interesting, I only really put these nights on once a week and on that night, E eats 2 min noodles ( I wish I had shares in that company) and my son (J) eats meat pies. Now neither of these meals are very hard. Each one uses the microwave, E has a special way to make 2 min noodles. It means that they are able to satisfy their own needs to eat something that they have choosen for themselves.
My mother started this with her kids, and it meant that we were able to at least put some meals together before we left home. It was important to her that we knew something when we left home. But what has happened to these ideas in today's world. I know people who still live at home and have never had to put a meal together in their entire lives. They have never had to look after themselves and all of a sudden they leave with no idea about anything, that's why the books about leaving home are becoming so popular.
But could you imagine leaving home with out some basic skills. I taught my ex-husband how to look after himself, as this was something that he to had never learnt. I have decided that this is never going to happen to my children. I don't want them to go out in the world ill equipted to deal with anything that they may have thrown at them.
No books, for them, but I am also hoping that their self sufficent night does have other meals added through out their lives.
I know what you are thinking, that is really harsh for kids that are so little, but Im of the belief that they only become self sufficent when they are sometimes left to their own devices and have to be self relient. It is interesting, I only really put these nights on once a week and on that night, E eats 2 min noodles ( I wish I had shares in that company) and my son (J) eats meat pies. Now neither of these meals are very hard. Each one uses the microwave, E has a special way to make 2 min noodles. It means that they are able to satisfy their own needs to eat something that they have choosen for themselves.
My mother started this with her kids, and it meant that we were able to at least put some meals together before we left home. It was important to her that we knew something when we left home. But what has happened to these ideas in today's world. I know people who still live at home and have never had to put a meal together in their entire lives. They have never had to look after themselves and all of a sudden they leave with no idea about anything, that's why the books about leaving home are becoming so popular.
But could you imagine leaving home with out some basic skills. I taught my ex-husband how to look after himself, as this was something that he to had never learnt. I have decided that this is never going to happen to my children. I don't want them to go out in the world ill equipted to deal with anything that they may have thrown at them.
No books, for them, but I am also hoping that their self sufficent night does have other meals added through out their lives.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Monday
Where is that Monday's are the worst day of any week?
To start with you know that trying to make school lunches are going to be a nightmare, just because you have no, well anything. Town is to far away to attend on Sunday and shopping with kids on your own is something only crazy people do, so bread has to be held on to like the gold that fossikers were after late last century.
Then there's the issue of stuff. You know that as soon as you turn on the shower, the first question you will need to answer is, "Mum where's my..................?" Like now is the best time to ask me. What are you thinking? Have your eyes fallen out of your head or something, or is that fact that I am now dripping wet the moment when everything becomes cruical?
Its not that I don't like having the kids all to myself, I mean there are moments that I absolutely adore, but Monday mornings is not it.
Take this morning for example. Daughter (E) decided that because she doesn't like sandwiches, she needs to find something else to eat at lunch, hence 2 minute noodles have become a staple of my shopping basket. I understand that they have no nutritional value beyond the fact that they taste like cardboard and so I can only assume have the same energy value. But when do you think she needs to ask about eating them at school?
That's right just as I was closing my eyes to enjoy the water run down my head.
The only thing you can reply at moments like this is "Yes, E, have noodles, I'm sure they're great for you." Happy with the answer she rushes off to pretend that she is finishing the rush before the school bus gets here.
So until next Monday.........................................have a happy week.
To start with you know that trying to make school lunches are going to be a nightmare, just because you have no, well anything. Town is to far away to attend on Sunday and shopping with kids on your own is something only crazy people do, so bread has to be held on to like the gold that fossikers were after late last century.
Then there's the issue of stuff. You know that as soon as you turn on the shower, the first question you will need to answer is, "Mum where's my..................?" Like now is the best time to ask me. What are you thinking? Have your eyes fallen out of your head or something, or is that fact that I am now dripping wet the moment when everything becomes cruical?
Its not that I don't like having the kids all to myself, I mean there are moments that I absolutely adore, but Monday mornings is not it.
Take this morning for example. Daughter (E) decided that because she doesn't like sandwiches, she needs to find something else to eat at lunch, hence 2 minute noodles have become a staple of my shopping basket. I understand that they have no nutritional value beyond the fact that they taste like cardboard and so I can only assume have the same energy value. But when do you think she needs to ask about eating them at school?
That's right just as I was closing my eyes to enjoy the water run down my head.
The only thing you can reply at moments like this is "Yes, E, have noodles, I'm sure they're great for you." Happy with the answer she rushes off to pretend that she is finishing the rush before the school bus gets here.
So until next Monday.........................................have a happy week.
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