Friendship, written June 15, 2008

Friendship………………it really is like an old pair of socks that you know how to put on and what they will give you.

Last night I went to watch the new Sex and the City movie. It had been many years since I had sat down to watch an episode of the show that at one time was my absolute favourite. But, just like an old pair of socks the feelings that I had about the characters on the screen came flooding back.

I laughed and I cried and to be honest it felt as though I was catching up on the lives of old friends that had gone from my life. But all of this got me thinking……..what had happened to the people who were friends and had now moved on?

By the time that I had gotten back to my hotel room I had just one major thought. I need some paper and a pen, but only because a sorry letter had to be written to my best friend. She had gone from my life and while I thought about the movie I nearly cried for all that I had lost. You see the girls in Sex where able to keep their friendships going even when everything else was falling apart, but I was unable to do this, especially when I needed to the most.

Let me take you back to the beginning. My BF was not someone that I had met on my first day at school or some one that knew me when my fashion sense was a disaster. My BF was a person that I had met only recently but we had grown so close that we were sisters in every sense of the word except blood. We knew how the other was thinking and phone calls would happen when you just needed them. My BF was the person I could depend on to drop everything and come running when I needed her and she knew the same about me. She even managed to find me a nice fella when one was needed.

So you may be asking yourself at this time, why did I need to compose letter to the one person who should be able to forgive me anything. I let her down, like a thread hanging from that old pair of socks I pulled and pulled until I had unraveled the lot. My BF had a secret that for an entire year I was quiet happy keeping. She seemed happy in her circumstances and really it felt as though no one else was being affected by what was going on.

But I was wrong and it wasn’t until this was pointed out to me that I became the moral police and not only lost my best friend but my sister and life line. I told her to tell her husband her secret and even as I was putting my ultimatum on the table I knew what this would do to her life. Ultimately it would free me of my guilt that I was now starting to feel but I knew deep down that this would ruin her life.

At the time I didn’t think that it would affect our friendship. I thought that I would be the person that she would turn to, just like in the past when things got a little rocky, but I was indeed wrong. I was hoping that she would call on me and that I would assist her in making life decisions and picking up the pieces of her life. I always thought that our friendship was bigger than any of this, that our shared bond would mean more to her than what I was putting her through at this moment.

Of course, all of this was not to be.

Our friendship died, not naturally the way that some do - people growing up and moving on but abruptly almost like pulling a band aid off a hairy leg. Hence, the fact that I needed to write the letter, and I needed to write it now. I wanted to apologise for everything that I had put her through. I wanted to apologise for letting her down and I wanted to apologise for not being the person that she thought that I was.

Watching the girls on the screen brought all this back to me. The girl’s friendship on the screen was everything that my BF and I shared and I want that back desperately. Now, all I have to do is send the letter and sit and hope that just like in the movie everything will turn out all right in the end.