Wondering

Okay, today I could write about two interesting things that have happened out here in the last few days, but Im wondering do I embarrass my son or just talk about my daughter.

Let's just start at the beginning.

On the weekend I ended up bribing E. I know that all the really good parenting books say this is not going to get you anywhere, but they have not met my daughter. You see she is really good at talking, I keep thinking that when God created this small girl, he gave her an extra pair of vocal cords. So this is what I did, I loved my daughter through out the weekend. Heck, I even let her talk to me when I was in the toilet and shower. No moment was private and all my own all weekend. Hence, the bribing that happened. I was sitting there after lunch on Sunday afternoon. The river was running down below and the sun was shining over head when the talking began. By this stage I had truely had enough and so I told her that if she could be quiet for just 30 minutes I would buy her a lovely chocolate. Ah.....silence reined and becuase she still cant tell the time yet, I was able to extend this for a whole hour. Now, Im just hoping that she never learns to tell the time.

I don't know if that made me a bad mother or the thing that happened on Sunday night. J came and see me just before he went to bed. He was looking a little sheepish and said that he had a sore (insert your own word for private part). The long and the short of it, is that he now has an infection. Pills, lotions and the fact that he will have to undergo surgery is just the start of this long and ardious week. The worst part about this, is that the ex just doesn't seem to care. I don't understand this, this is his baby why would he not want to know what was going on in his son's life. But that is a story for another day.

Life by Numbers

Today I thought that I would write a blog about the numbers that appear in my life. Let's see if I can make it to number 10..........................

1. The most important number ever. One - just me. Loving me and everything I have. Appreciating the animals, land and lifestyle I have now carved out for myself.

2. The number of children, dogs and cats I have. Maybe thats my number. Two kids, two dogs and two cats. Who would have thought that Iwould ever have had cats. Growing up i was definitely not a cat person. They want so much of your attention, wow, the only thing on my list that doesn't need to much attention is the dogs.

3. The number of times I have had to Hannah Montana today. Who created this show, and who do I have to write to millions of time to get it taken off the air.

4. The number of new wires that I have had to put in the fence today to make sure that the dogs no longer could through. I don't know what they did last night, but I had an interesting skull on my lawn this morning and the other thing I'm thinking at this moment is which neighbour do I have to avoid.

5. The time J got home this afternoon. Also the time he talked me into allowing his friend to stay over. Noise once again this weekend.

6. The amount of times that Ive had the same conversation with A and he still doesn't understand why Im annoyed at him. Please can some get this man a book that says, "How to understand woman to stay out of the dog house."

7. The amount of cows that will still be on our property at the end of Winter. Sorry, Joe Jnr but you will become hamburger patties. But at least I wont be selling them to MacDonalds anytime soon.

8. The number of birthday candles on E's birthday cake last week. I love the fact that she is growing up and I also love the fact that she is still young enough to enjoy all of life's little pleasures. I can still remember when she was born boy has she come along way.

9. How many spurs found their ways into my fingers today when I was weeding. Only 3 however, managed to break off into my fingers. Now I just to wait until they came to the surface so that the feeling and pain of them being in their will go away.

10. The number of weeks since I have had a chook lay an egg. What is wrong with these animals? I mean I feed them every day and I make sure they have every thing they want, all I can ask is where are my eggs?

Homework

I've decided that I'm the homework Nazi!!!!!

This year one of my strange New Year's resolutions was to make sure that my children complete their homework. You see every semester on their reports they get 'Needs Improvement' when it comes to this area of their studies. When this first started happening I thought there was something wrong with me. I meant why couldn't I get my kids to complete their homework, when I could get my students to complete theirs.

Student after student would complete would set whatever task I thought to set but I could never get my own kids to do sheets that had been issued by their well meaning teachers. Week after week I could see them sitting there expectently waiting for my kids to hand in something that tehy had set and yet time and time again they were disappointed.

So for my own NY resolution I decided that they need to fulfill people's expectations. One afternoon a week the television gets turned off and they are set to task. Their sheets are completed and their books are ready.

Now the only thing I need to be able to achieve is them handing in their completed sheets to those expectant teachers who still hold out so much hope.

Night Love

Lying there beside you,
Holding you close
Feeling your hope
Feeling your heart
Hoping to chase away
The ghosts of relationships past
Stars overhead
Silence all around
Wondering, hoping, knowing
That you are what I found.
Roughness seeps through
What lays underneath
Stars, bright, shining
Reflected in your eyes
Who said love was simple?
Who said love was kind?
Be there, hold me
Until I'm crazy next time.

Who would have thought?

I was sitting there thinking the other day that I would like to come first in someone's life.

My kids have more of a social life than me so how am I suppose to come first in their lives. I understand that I am not suppose to come first in their lives, they are kids being self centred and egotistical is in their nature.

My ex-husband is my ex-husband because I never came first in my life. This was hard to deal with at first but I learnt to deal with it and added other people to my life to fill the gap that was left. I knew that he was incapable of being anything other than what he was, but like a normal person I wanted more than what he could give me.

I don't understand what is wrong with me that I can not come high on the priority list of people who claim that they love me wholeheartedly. To hope that this may change is something that is futile and understandly sad. So I have made a decision if I am not on anyone else's prioirty list the least I can do is be at the top of mine. Is this selfish? Im not quiet sure, but it something that I need to ensure happens for the next little while.

The funny thing is that I dont know how to go about this, how does someone show self love? How does ensure that they come first, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

Friendship Update

Today I re-read the last blog that I posted and I thought that you all really needed an update.

At the last point, I had just sent the letter to my friend with the hope that she would be able to fogive me for what I now consider almost the unforgivable. I hoped that she would be able to see past the actions that I had started and remember the way it felt when we were in each other companys. Who knew, maybe I was hoping that I could even be a saviour to her disintergrating world.

It was not long after that I got the first of many awkard replies over the next couple of months. To begin with it was an email, that stated that there was no way we could resume the friendship, in fact I knew deep down that if she ever spoke another civil word to me again I should just be grateful. I was scared about getting this reply, could I reply back and more importantly should I reply back. I was scared that she would just delete the email, never having read it and whether it was suppose to absolve me or apologise wholeheartedly, then I would need to really think about what I wanted to say.

The first face to face meeting was scary for me. How would she react and what would we really say to each other? Would there be anything left of the person that I knew back then or would another more resentful person be in her place? To be honest, I didn't really know what to say, how could I resume a normal conversation with a person that I knew that I had let down so badly. Best friend material - at this moment I knew that I wasn't and who knew if I ever would be again.

It was more than awkard. It was down right uncomfortable, not just for me but for all the people who happened to be in the vicinity and although they may not have know the true extent of what happened they knew that something had and that the two people who they knew to be insepertable were now no longer. It good me thinking not long after this, how

You never know, when I wrote that last post we were barely talking, now we call and chat occasionally as well as sharing a drink when we see each other. This time next year, we could almost be back to where we were, well I can only hope.

Friendship, written June 15, 2008

Friendship………………it really is like an old pair of socks that you know how to put on and what they will give you.

Last night I went to watch the new Sex and the City movie. It had been many years since I had sat down to watch an episode of the show that at one time was my absolute favourite. But, just like an old pair of socks the feelings that I had about the characters on the screen came flooding back.

I laughed and I cried and to be honest it felt as though I was catching up on the lives of old friends that had gone from my life. But all of this got me thinking……..what had happened to the people who were friends and had now moved on?

By the time that I had gotten back to my hotel room I had just one major thought. I need some paper and a pen, but only because a sorry letter had to be written to my best friend. She had gone from my life and while I thought about the movie I nearly cried for all that I had lost. You see the girls in Sex where able to keep their friendships going even when everything else was falling apart, but I was unable to do this, especially when I needed to the most.

Let me take you back to the beginning. My BF was not someone that I had met on my first day at school or some one that knew me when my fashion sense was a disaster. My BF was a person that I had met only recently but we had grown so close that we were sisters in every sense of the word except blood. We knew how the other was thinking and phone calls would happen when you just needed them. My BF was the person I could depend on to drop everything and come running when I needed her and she knew the same about me. She even managed to find me a nice fella when one was needed.

So you may be asking yourself at this time, why did I need to compose letter to the one person who should be able to forgive me anything. I let her down, like a thread hanging from that old pair of socks I pulled and pulled until I had unraveled the lot. My BF had a secret that for an entire year I was quiet happy keeping. She seemed happy in her circumstances and really it felt as though no one else was being affected by what was going on.

But I was wrong and it wasn’t until this was pointed out to me that I became the moral police and not only lost my best friend but my sister and life line. I told her to tell her husband her secret and even as I was putting my ultimatum on the table I knew what this would do to her life. Ultimately it would free me of my guilt that I was now starting to feel but I knew deep down that this would ruin her life.

At the time I didn’t think that it would affect our friendship. I thought that I would be the person that she would turn to, just like in the past when things got a little rocky, but I was indeed wrong. I was hoping that she would call on me and that I would assist her in making life decisions and picking up the pieces of her life. I always thought that our friendship was bigger than any of this, that our shared bond would mean more to her than what I was putting her through at this moment.

Of course, all of this was not to be.

Our friendship died, not naturally the way that some do - people growing up and moving on but abruptly almost like pulling a band aid off a hairy leg. Hence, the fact that I needed to write the letter, and I needed to write it now. I wanted to apologise for everything that I had put her through. I wanted to apologise for letting her down and I wanted to apologise for not being the person that she thought that I was.

Watching the girls on the screen brought all this back to me. The girl’s friendship on the screen was everything that my BF and I shared and I want that back desperately. Now, all I have to do is send the letter and sit and hope that just like in the movie everything will turn out all right in the end.

Men!!!!!

What is it aobut men that makes us think that we can understand them?

I know that the book states that they come from a completely different planet to us, what was it Venus or Mars, Im really hoping Mars at this moment. Martians and men, Im sure that they would make the perfect combination.

But what is it about them, that makes them so hard to understand? I mean take today. A was upset, life was not treating him as well as he would have wanted, and yet there was nothing that I could do that would cheer him up. I tried trust me, I tried all the tricks I knew and then just for good measure all the tricks that I normally try on my children, nothing!!!!!

But, then he makes one phone call and the smile is back on his face and he can not understand why I am so upset. Hello!!! What had I just been trying to do all day???? Have you forgotten everything that I had tried so far?

What made it worst was that he got all upset because I was upset at what he did. Please, you have to understand how that would look for a woman. She has tried and been rejected, but someone on the end of a phone has changed everything for you.

Maybe being single, really single has an appeal for me at this moment anyway.

Dinner

Tonight I decided that the kids could get their own dinner.

I know what you are thinking, that is really harsh for kids that are so little, but Im of the belief that they only become self sufficent when they are sometimes left to their own devices and have to be self relient. It is interesting, I only really put these nights on once a week and on that night, E eats 2 min noodles ( I wish I had shares in that company) and my son (J) eats meat pies. Now neither of these meals are very hard. Each one uses the microwave, E has a special way to make 2 min noodles. It means that they are able to satisfy their own needs to eat something that they have choosen for themselves.

My mother started this with her kids, and it meant that we were able to at least put some meals together before we left home. It was important to her that we knew something when we left home. But what has happened to these ideas in today's world. I know people who still live at home and have never had to put a meal together in their entire lives. They have never had to look after themselves and all of a sudden they leave with no idea about anything, that's why the books about leaving home are becoming so popular.

But could you imagine leaving home with out some basic skills. I taught my ex-husband how to look after himself, as this was something that he to had never learnt. I have decided that this is never going to happen to my children. I don't want them to go out in the world ill equipted to deal with anything that they may have thrown at them.

No books, for them, but I am also hoping that their self sufficent night does have other meals added through out their lives.

Monday

Where is that Monday's are the worst day of any week?

To start with you know that trying to make school lunches are going to be a nightmare, just because you have no, well anything. Town is to far away to attend on Sunday and shopping with kids on your own is something only crazy people do, so bread has to be held on to like the gold that fossikers were after late last century.

Then there's the issue of stuff. You know that as soon as you turn on the shower, the first question you will need to answer is, "Mum where's my..................?" Like now is the best time to ask me. What are you thinking? Have your eyes fallen out of your head or something, or is that fact that I am now dripping wet the moment when everything becomes cruical?

Its not that I don't like having the kids all to myself, I mean there are moments that I absolutely adore, but Monday mornings is not it.

Take this morning for example. Daughter (E) decided that because she doesn't like sandwiches, she needs to find something else to eat at lunch, hence 2 minute noodles have become a staple of my shopping basket. I understand that they have no nutritional value beyond the fact that they taste like cardboard and so I can only assume have the same energy value. But when do you think she needs to ask about eating them at school?
That's right just as I was closing my eyes to enjoy the water run down my head.
The only thing you can reply at moments like this is "Yes, E, have noodles, I'm sure they're great for you." Happy with the answer she rushes off to pretend that she is finishing the rush before the school bus gets here.

So until next Monday.........................................have a happy week.