relationship angst

I didn’t realise that relationships were so difficult. I didn’t understand what it meant to love someone and hope that they would love you in return. The waiting and wondering if what you are doing is the right thing or if it is just going to put you in the dog house for who knows how many hours and days. Hoping that you are doing it right and wondering most of the time what the other person is thinking.

Im in the middle of a relationship. Most of the time it is fantastic, loving and kind. But some of the time I desperately need an air bag for the crash that is happening. The way that you cant seem to say or do the right thing. The way things that have happened leave you wondering if this is all you are going to get again in your life. I mean I left my marriage because I wasn’t in love with the person is this relationship that I am having at the moment the karma that I got for that. Have I not apologised enough for falling out of love with one man, that another gets to treat me any way he wants.

And if this is karma what else did I not take notice of in my previous relationship to deserve this. What did I do that was absolutely so awful that I needed to have this in return? I know that I was not always the best wife, who knows how you are really meant to be that. No manual has ever been written about how to be the best wife in the post feminist world. So I know that I was only doing the best that I could at the time when problems were presented to me. But why do I need this karma in return????

They say that karma has a way of making you understand. That its there to ensure that you are able to atone for sins that you may or may not have seen coming. But what happens when you acknowledge karma and it still kicks your arse all over the place. I always thought that my ex would be the one who would have karma kick his arse but of course that is not to be, he has a fiancé, they seem to be happily in love and I have a relationship that is starting to look as though it is past its used by date.

The worst thing is I don’t know what to really do. Do you hang around and hope that the good days return or do you cut your losses and run because you know that is all you have left in you. I know that its gonna hurt lots of people, A, me and the kids (in some weird way). Ahhh………..what am I going to do? What is the answer? Maybe more thinking time is what is needed right now.