What happens to the love that we felt when the love is all wrong?
Who says that we are no longer allowed to love someone in the hope that the feelings will miraculously just stop? I mean think about it, when you go on a diet you dont just suddenly stop wanting junk food. You don't just stop wanting chocolate, or Maccas or what ever it is that is your ultimate choice of junk. You know that you are not allowed to want this food, you know that when you eat it you feel awful but you also know that you will never be able to live without it completely.
Is this what happens when love goes wrong? On some normal level you know that it is not good for you but that doesn't stop you wanting it just the same.
Let me give you an example:
My friend is able to break up with someone and then never talk to them again. When she realises that they have a flaw that is that, they are gone and she doesn't think about them or talk to them. She believes that when you make the break then you need to ensure that it is a clean break. A break that has no rugged edges and that is crystal clear to all invloved. Im impressed with her resolve, I just wish that mine was just as good.
When I break up with someone I love I still want them around. I dont know if this is punishment for myself or for them. I want to hold on to them, even when it punishes my heart. I think about them constantly and I want to know why they dont feel about me what they use to. I mean if they love you to, where did that love go? Did it run away, or did it fall down the back of the bed in the hope that you would find it when you are cleaning the floor?
The other problem is that when I break up with someone I want to keep these people as my friend. That's a funny concept I know. I mean obivously something was wrong and that is why we are not really together any more. But really if we were friends to start with, why can't we be friends now? Am I not friendship material or am I just a reminder of their failure to have a successful relationship?
All of this got me thinking the other day..............relationships are obviously some persons mean and nasty way of making us think that we should really not be by ourselves, even when ourselves are the best person to have a relationship with.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Expectations
Its funny when we build something up in our mind. The way we think about something constantly and have wishes and dreams about what it should be like and then reality hits and you realise that what you thought was not actually what was going to happen.
You build things up in your mind until you have every part of the conversation down, every gesture known and every second played out. You dream about it in advance and it consumes your every waking moment and then the time passes and nothing is the same as it was before.
I have come to realise that these moments are only moments in your mind. That real life is never going to play out the way that you want and that nothing is ever going to change that.
Not that I dont like real life. I love it, the way it comes up and hits you in the face when you least expect it, it reminds you that nothing is as you think. I love my life, well most of the time. I love the friends that I have and my children. I love my family and the way that my life plays out on a day to day basis.
But what I dont like is when someone has you believe something because they havent told you the whole truth. The haven't told you that your expectations are about to be shattered. They haven't told you that what you want from them is just not going to happen. They haven't told you the whole truth but have let you place expectations on what you think is going to happen.
So while my life is great in some ways, I can only hope that in the future these expectations will not lead me astray again. I am going to listen to what people are saying rather than just what i want them to be saying, that way I wont be let down again.
You build things up in your mind until you have every part of the conversation down, every gesture known and every second played out. You dream about it in advance and it consumes your every waking moment and then the time passes and nothing is the same as it was before.
I have come to realise that these moments are only moments in your mind. That real life is never going to play out the way that you want and that nothing is ever going to change that.
Not that I dont like real life. I love it, the way it comes up and hits you in the face when you least expect it, it reminds you that nothing is as you think. I love my life, well most of the time. I love the friends that I have and my children. I love my family and the way that my life plays out on a day to day basis.
But what I dont like is when someone has you believe something because they havent told you the whole truth. The haven't told you that your expectations are about to be shattered. They haven't told you that what you want from them is just not going to happen. They haven't told you the whole truth but have let you place expectations on what you think is going to happen.
So while my life is great in some ways, I can only hope that in the future these expectations will not lead me astray again. I am going to listen to what people are saying rather than just what i want them to be saying, that way I wont be let down again.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Family History
I have recently started researching my family history.
Its a great way to pass plenty of time. I mean you start with a name and you try and work out who is related to you and then you get stuck and have to try a different track. It can take you hours to work out and you end up with so much paper work. But I have found some really interesting facts.
To begin with, one of my relatives died when she had an illegal abortion that went horribly wrong. The woman who did the abortion was subject to two years hard labour after being found guilty of using an illegal instrument inside a body. There was a Coroners hearing and everything. I some how think that at 17, she should probably have gotten married and just had the baby, but instead due to the family and societal attitudes at the time, this young girl died in the prime of her life. Today she would have been allowed to have the baby and just be a single mum, but back then she would have been shunned.
Some of my relatives died before they even started life. Lots of infant mortality, people had big families because some of them died before they even reached 5. It reminded me a lot of Charles Dickens and the lives that he wrote about. Couples having large families so that there was someone to look after them in their old age. Makes sense then, but now, isn't that what the government is for?
Family history is an interesting way to understand your place in the world. But I am learning something more valuable than just names on a page. People are only that - names on a page - until their stories come to life. The young girl who died after an abortion, the kids who dont make the age of 5. The way that people lived and what they did for a living. It makes me keep wondering who is the world before me. What were these people like and am I anything like them? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out......
Its a great way to pass plenty of time. I mean you start with a name and you try and work out who is related to you and then you get stuck and have to try a different track. It can take you hours to work out and you end up with so much paper work. But I have found some really interesting facts.
To begin with, one of my relatives died when she had an illegal abortion that went horribly wrong. The woman who did the abortion was subject to two years hard labour after being found guilty of using an illegal instrument inside a body. There was a Coroners hearing and everything. I some how think that at 17, she should probably have gotten married and just had the baby, but instead due to the family and societal attitudes at the time, this young girl died in the prime of her life. Today she would have been allowed to have the baby and just be a single mum, but back then she would have been shunned.
Some of my relatives died before they even started life. Lots of infant mortality, people had big families because some of them died before they even reached 5. It reminded me a lot of Charles Dickens and the lives that he wrote about. Couples having large families so that there was someone to look after them in their old age. Makes sense then, but now, isn't that what the government is for?
Family history is an interesting way to understand your place in the world. But I am learning something more valuable than just names on a page. People are only that - names on a page - until their stories come to life. The young girl who died after an abortion, the kids who dont make the age of 5. The way that people lived and what they did for a living. It makes me keep wondering who is the world before me. What were these people like and am I anything like them? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out......
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Still the rain.....................
And still the rain continues and I dont know why, but it seems to bring out the worst in city drivers.
When it rains at home people just stay indoors. Nothing much to be done and other things, once neglected are now put on the front burner so to speak and get done quickly.
But in Sydney, its like almost any one who is any one needs to be on the road. Now Im not saying that it is a bad thing, but what is it that makes people think that once they have put their windscreen wipers on, all common sense goes down the drain with the rain.
People change lanes, no indicators. People think that its okay to push into your lane even if there is no space, no indicators. People stopped dead bang straight in front of you, heaven knows how you are meant to stop with causing damage.
Normally, I like driving in the city. People are nice, even polite and pleasant.
But I have made a plan, when it rains, Im going to do what I normally do up home. Go inside, shut all the doors and get some other things done.
When it rains at home people just stay indoors. Nothing much to be done and other things, once neglected are now put on the front burner so to speak and get done quickly.
But in Sydney, its like almost any one who is any one needs to be on the road. Now Im not saying that it is a bad thing, but what is it that makes people think that once they have put their windscreen wipers on, all common sense goes down the drain with the rain.
People change lanes, no indicators. People think that its okay to push into your lane even if there is no space, no indicators. People stopped dead bang straight in front of you, heaven knows how you are meant to stop with causing damage.
Normally, I like driving in the city. People are nice, even polite and pleasant.
But I have made a plan, when it rains, Im going to do what I normally do up home. Go inside, shut all the doors and get some other things done.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Break Ups
I've had quite a few interesting break ups in my day.
The ones over the phone, the ones in person and the ones that are texted to you like the person on the other end just doesn't want to face your (don't quite now what would be happening but there you go).
But the most interesting break up was the one that I just had. To begin with, I was going to break up with this man on Facebook, I now a low act, but he did break up with me via text message on my birthday and to be honest revenge was what I had in mind when I thought this senerio up.
But I got brave and decided that the only way to truly have a break up and remain reasonable in the world of exs was to say the words to their face and thats how I ended up with this interesting break up, where my ex still wants to remain friends. I mean real friends, not just the type you have that you say you are going to call and then never do. But, real friends who will be there for each other, should the other ever need them.
And this got me thinking: would that ever work? Would I still be able to look at them and now that I did not have a claim on their lives, even in some small way. But here's the other thing, I am sure that he is more in love with me than I am with him, remember I instigated the break up, so how is this helping him move on? Or does it really mean that he has no intention of moving on, well at least not in the way I would think is healthy.
So, I said yes, I would stay friends....................who knows how this is going to end up, maybe we wont be friends for long...............keep you posted.
The ones over the phone, the ones in person and the ones that are texted to you like the person on the other end just doesn't want to face your (don't quite now what would be happening but there you go).
But the most interesting break up was the one that I just had. To begin with, I was going to break up with this man on Facebook, I now a low act, but he did break up with me via text message on my birthday and to be honest revenge was what I had in mind when I thought this senerio up.
But I got brave and decided that the only way to truly have a break up and remain reasonable in the world of exs was to say the words to their face and thats how I ended up with this interesting break up, where my ex still wants to remain friends. I mean real friends, not just the type you have that you say you are going to call and then never do. But, real friends who will be there for each other, should the other ever need them.
And this got me thinking: would that ever work? Would I still be able to look at them and now that I did not have a claim on their lives, even in some small way. But here's the other thing, I am sure that he is more in love with me than I am with him, remember I instigated the break up, so how is this helping him move on? Or does it really mean that he has no intention of moving on, well at least not in the way I would think is healthy.
So, I said yes, I would stay friends....................who knows how this is going to end up, maybe we wont be friends for long...............keep you posted.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
More Sydney details
Sydney should be known as the city of lights.
It gets dark here at around 5pm and the lights start flickering on. First, one area and then another and before you know it the entire city is light up like a Christmas tree (a cliche I know but I still love it). You can see the lights roll across the city like a huge wave rolling across the beach.
The city lights make the place just a little bit more interesting. Orange here, bright white over there and it reminds you that even if you are alone in this big city, you are never really lonely. Its a pleasure to realise that daybreak can steal the lights away just like night fosters them onto the city.
I am starting to love the city lights. I am starting to appreciate the way their beauty is allowed to show in the night sky. I am starting to realise that people look at them in wonder, when really they should be turning their faces skyward and looking at the moon and stars.
The artificalness of the lights is a reminder to me of everything that I dont have, while I am jaunting in Sydney. I miss my stars the real lights of the night. The way that they light up my path when I get home on a particular inky night is amazing, sometimes it feels as though they are just put there for me.
But for now I will be content with what I have. For they are the stars that are lighting my world at the moment and they will make me appreciate what I have at home, far more than never having them at all.
It gets dark here at around 5pm and the lights start flickering on. First, one area and then another and before you know it the entire city is light up like a Christmas tree (a cliche I know but I still love it). You can see the lights roll across the city like a huge wave rolling across the beach.
The city lights make the place just a little bit more interesting. Orange here, bright white over there and it reminds you that even if you are alone in this big city, you are never really lonely. Its a pleasure to realise that daybreak can steal the lights away just like night fosters them onto the city.
I am starting to love the city lights. I am starting to appreciate the way their beauty is allowed to show in the night sky. I am starting to realise that people look at them in wonder, when really they should be turning their faces skyward and looking at the moon and stars.
The artificalness of the lights is a reminder to me of everything that I dont have, while I am jaunting in Sydney. I miss my stars the real lights of the night. The way that they light up my path when I get home on a particular inky night is amazing, sometimes it feels as though they are just put there for me.
But for now I will be content with what I have. For they are the stars that are lighting my world at the moment and they will make me appreciate what I have at home, far more than never having them at all.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Observations of Sydney
So here I am in Sydney.
The world of lights and noise, smells and heart.
Its an interesting place really when you think about it.
Just listening to the conversations on the street as I walk to work thrills me. Different languages and ideas all filtering out of one person and being passed on to another. It reminds me of all the things that I love about the place.
But heres the thing. The fashion is not just out of a magazine article, its off the planet. People have the most amazing mix and matches happening that its almost scary to look at them as you walk along the street. Tights and boots, jeans and boots, all manner of tops and scarves. If there was one thing that I could say was defintely in for this year it would have to be scarves, they are absolutely every where.
And I am trying to fit in, although I don't have scarves as good as them, just yet........
The world of lights and noise, smells and heart.
Its an interesting place really when you think about it.
Just listening to the conversations on the street as I walk to work thrills me. Different languages and ideas all filtering out of one person and being passed on to another. It reminds me of all the things that I love about the place.
But heres the thing. The fashion is not just out of a magazine article, its off the planet. People have the most amazing mix and matches happening that its almost scary to look at them as you walk along the street. Tights and boots, jeans and boots, all manner of tops and scarves. If there was one thing that I could say was defintely in for this year it would have to be scarves, they are absolutely every where.
And I am trying to fit in, although I don't have scarves as good as them, just yet........
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