The other day I was sitting with the kids watching television, some child friendly show apparently, where the teenagers all run around with problems that they end up dealing with by themselves in the space of 1/2 hour. The kids were mesmorised but I started thinking if this was what i wanted for my kids to learn.
These shows never have the adult in the place of responsibility. They are absent and void and the kids have to work out their problems for themselves. By allowing my kids to watch these shows am I saying that if you have a problem the last person you should be speaking to is me. I always thought that if they had a problem then they would seek me out. They would be able to talk to me, they would see me as a way of solving the issues that they were having. This got me thinking are the adults and parents of the world becoming invalid in the lives of their children?
My son has started to do this. He comes home with a problem, we walk the dogs and hash out solutions. Not that any of the solutions I offer up are really go ing to work but at least he is talking to me about what is going on in his life. I am hoping that this sets up a life long situation where he will always come to me, that he will always see me as a way of being able to solve his solutions. That he wont take the way out that these kids take and not involve the one or two people in their lives that would be able to offer solutions of some description.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Astrology
Life is interesting, just when you think that you know what you are talking about, life throws you a curve ball. Something that no one ever thinks about, something that even your dreams are not sure they know exists.
I sometimes think that the stars do this to us in ways that we are not even sure we know about. Astrology they say is how wars were started in the days of the Ancient Romans and Greeks, that love was one and lost on the way that the skies aligned, but Im not really sure about all that.
You see every day I read my Stars, in the hope that I would get some insight in to what is about to happen to me - just put it down to being an Aquarius - but every day I am more perplexed and it is not until something happens, sometimes straight away, sometimes not for days that the words make any sense. Who knew that what I needed when I was going for my drivers licence was courage, the stars did.
But lately there words have been coming true with increasing regularity. It is this that is starting to worry me, I know that I said life has an interesting way of throwing you curve balls but realistically the curve balls have already been laid out, all I really need to do is read the words that are right in front of me.
So what am I really going to do? I am going to start believing in what I am reading, I am going to start to contemplate and meditate on what the words are saying to me. Who knows maybe just like the Ancient Romans and Greeks I will do things where only I can be the winner.
I sometimes think that the stars do this to us in ways that we are not even sure we know about. Astrology they say is how wars were started in the days of the Ancient Romans and Greeks, that love was one and lost on the way that the skies aligned, but Im not really sure about all that.
You see every day I read my Stars, in the hope that I would get some insight in to what is about to happen to me - just put it down to being an Aquarius - but every day I am more perplexed and it is not until something happens, sometimes straight away, sometimes not for days that the words make any sense. Who knew that what I needed when I was going for my drivers licence was courage, the stars did.
But lately there words have been coming true with increasing regularity. It is this that is starting to worry me, I know that I said life has an interesting way of throwing you curve balls but realistically the curve balls have already been laid out, all I really need to do is read the words that are right in front of me.
So what am I really going to do? I am going to start believing in what I am reading, I am going to start to contemplate and meditate on what the words are saying to me. Who knows maybe just like the Ancient Romans and Greeks I will do things where only I can be the winner.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Short story writing part 2
Stevie hoped that no one would notice that she was the loner. It made it easier to live with the life that she had at home. Who knew, maybe one of her parents would wake up to themselves and just leave. She'd seen that on different television shows and hoped against hope that one of them would see the light. Looking back out the window, she wondered how she could escape. Just for one moment, or one day from the life that she knew she had waiting.
"Stevie?" her teacher questioned quietly. her eyes flicked quickly back to where the voice had come from and silently wished that the teacher wouldn't ask her a question that she really didn't know the answer to.
"Mmmm," she mumbled smiling just slightly and letting her eyes light up at the same time. That's when she saw it, the look the teachers always gave other students that were dealing with the most awful parts of their lives.
Part 3.
Her brother had been born quickly, not like a normal baby, in many hours and after much pain, but quickly and he had decided that he need to spend the rest of his life living just the same. His blue eyes rarely frowned and the way in which he saw the world had the ability to influence whoever was near. He was a sweet kid, which was a funny way of thinking about him, considering that he had been born 3 minutes before her. The other half of the soul that now possessed her body.
In primary school the two of them had been inseparable. The teachers felt as though they had, had to break them up in the classroom, thinking that this would ensure that she, the smarter of the two, had a better chance to be educated. John had started the tantrum and by the end of the 10 minute period neither had been moved, and neither was likely too either. Stevie liked that. He was her safe harbour, her anchor, her ability to breathe.
But that, like the happy family she had, had all passed. He was gone. Lost to the other world, and now she was alone. Alone with her thoughts, alone with her parents, alone..................and the world sure felt like an empty place without him.
She remembered the day the police had come to the door and the way the sun had shone off their brass buttons and straight into her eyes. They stood, like soliders on guard, still and resolute as they brought their news to the door.
"Mrs Thorn?" they queried, and her mother just nodded her head, looking around her and hoping that some one was going to tell her what was going on.
"We have some bad news...." the older one started. She saw her mother's lip tremble and the first of many tears start to roll down her face. She reached a now cold hand up to her pale face and felt it herself. The only tear she would shed for the one person who was her other self. She felt her mother reach for her other hand and squeeze and over the loud howl that had emitted from a throat, she missed what else was said.
John, she later found out, had decided that this life was not for him. That there was no need for him to remain in a place that had caused him such harm and so he had removed himself from it. Little did he know, that the one person who needed him was the one that he had left behind. Sometimes, she got overwhelming angry at him and others like today she missed that part of her heart that was her brother.
"Stevie?" her teacher questioned quietly. her eyes flicked quickly back to where the voice had come from and silently wished that the teacher wouldn't ask her a question that she really didn't know the answer to.
"Mmmm," she mumbled smiling just slightly and letting her eyes light up at the same time. That's when she saw it, the look the teachers always gave other students that were dealing with the most awful parts of their lives.
Part 3.
Her brother had been born quickly, not like a normal baby, in many hours and after much pain, but quickly and he had decided that he need to spend the rest of his life living just the same. His blue eyes rarely frowned and the way in which he saw the world had the ability to influence whoever was near. He was a sweet kid, which was a funny way of thinking about him, considering that he had been born 3 minutes before her. The other half of the soul that now possessed her body.
In primary school the two of them had been inseparable. The teachers felt as though they had, had to break them up in the classroom, thinking that this would ensure that she, the smarter of the two, had a better chance to be educated. John had started the tantrum and by the end of the 10 minute period neither had been moved, and neither was likely too either. Stevie liked that. He was her safe harbour, her anchor, her ability to breathe.
But that, like the happy family she had, had all passed. He was gone. Lost to the other world, and now she was alone. Alone with her thoughts, alone with her parents, alone..................and the world sure felt like an empty place without him.
She remembered the day the police had come to the door and the way the sun had shone off their brass buttons and straight into her eyes. They stood, like soliders on guard, still and resolute as they brought their news to the door.
"Mrs Thorn?" they queried, and her mother just nodded her head, looking around her and hoping that some one was going to tell her what was going on.
"We have some bad news...." the older one started. She saw her mother's lip tremble and the first of many tears start to roll down her face. She reached a now cold hand up to her pale face and felt it herself. The only tear she would shed for the one person who was her other self. She felt her mother reach for her other hand and squeeze and over the loud howl that had emitted from a throat, she missed what else was said.
John, she later found out, had decided that this life was not for him. That there was no need for him to remain in a place that had caused him such harm and so he had removed himself from it. Little did he know, that the one person who needed him was the one that he had left behind. Sometimes, she got overwhelming angry at him and others like today she missed that part of her heart that was her brother.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Short story writing part 1
Nobody knew her dreams, least of all the teacher at the top of the classroom, slowly and momentously boring her class to death. Nobody knew her desires, least of all the boy sitting across the room from her, with the bleached blonde hair and the sweet smile and clean white teeth. Nobody knew her name, least of all the girl sitting right beside her, trying desperately not to allow her smooth skin to touch her leg. Nobody knew her, least of all herself. The person inside the skin, the mind inside the head, the feelings inside the heart.
Stevie sighed deeply and tried desperately to keep the sobs and tears inside her small frame. She didn’t want anyone in her English class to see her cry. The boys were also macho, the girls all so perfect. She often wondered, sometimes aloud, sometimes silently why she was put in this class. No-one was her friend and no-one was likely to be.
She turned her face away from the other students in her class. Looking out window, she let the teacher’s voice wash over her, trying desperately not to involve herself in anything that was being said. She knew the topic that was being discussed and she also knew that the teacher would expect her to either answer the questions put or add something meaningful to the discussion. She was over the thoughts and expectations of this class. That was the problem when she was placed her.
Hoping the bell would go quickly Stevie started to think. She started to think of everything that had gone on that morning at home. She remembered her father’s thunderous face, she remembered her mother’s tear stained face and she remembered her own fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of her family’s demise and the knowledge that she couldn’t change the future.
The yelling had become the one constant thing in her life. She never knew which parent was going to be at home when the bus pulled in, usually it was her mother but occasionally it was her father. This always made it a really bad day. He only every wanted to complain about her mother. The way she wouldn’t clean the home, the way she cooked his meals, the way she drove the car and on and on it went. Sometimes, Stevie wondered if she was her father’s own personal psychologist. She wanted to escape this and the shouting.
Glancing away from the window, Stevie heard her teacher say,
“Do you all understand?”
Stevie blinked hard, she had missed the task in her own private daydream. What was going to do? To ask a question would reveal her but not asking the question would mean that she could fall behind. And then she glimpsed the essay question on the board and she understood what was required, picking up her pen and flicking it slowly on the book in front of her.
The teacher looked at her, smiling slightly but allowing her green eyes to bore into Stevie’s mind. Stevie smiled wearily back, she knew her teacher knew something about her situation, all the teachers did, but how much she was unsure. That was part of the problem, they all thought they knew about her here, but no one really did.
Stevie sighed deeply and tried desperately to keep the sobs and tears inside her small frame. She didn’t want anyone in her English class to see her cry. The boys were also macho, the girls all so perfect. She often wondered, sometimes aloud, sometimes silently why she was put in this class. No-one was her friend and no-one was likely to be.
She turned her face away from the other students in her class. Looking out window, she let the teacher’s voice wash over her, trying desperately not to involve herself in anything that was being said. She knew the topic that was being discussed and she also knew that the teacher would expect her to either answer the questions put or add something meaningful to the discussion. She was over the thoughts and expectations of this class. That was the problem when she was placed her.
Hoping the bell would go quickly Stevie started to think. She started to think of everything that had gone on that morning at home. She remembered her father’s thunderous face, she remembered her mother’s tear stained face and she remembered her own fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of her family’s demise and the knowledge that she couldn’t change the future.
The yelling had become the one constant thing in her life. She never knew which parent was going to be at home when the bus pulled in, usually it was her mother but occasionally it was her father. This always made it a really bad day. He only every wanted to complain about her mother. The way she wouldn’t clean the home, the way she cooked his meals, the way she drove the car and on and on it went. Sometimes, Stevie wondered if she was her father’s own personal psychologist. She wanted to escape this and the shouting.
Glancing away from the window, Stevie heard her teacher say,
“Do you all understand?”
Stevie blinked hard, she had missed the task in her own private daydream. What was going to do? To ask a question would reveal her but not asking the question would mean that she could fall behind. And then she glimpsed the essay question on the board and she understood what was required, picking up her pen and flicking it slowly on the book in front of her.
The teacher looked at her, smiling slightly but allowing her green eyes to bore into Stevie’s mind. Stevie smiled wearily back, she knew her teacher knew something about her situation, all the teachers did, but how much she was unsure. That was part of the problem, they all thought they knew about her here, but no one really did.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Love Gone Wrong
What happens to the love that we felt when the love is all wrong?
Who says that we are no longer allowed to love someone in the hope that the feelings will miraculously just stop? I mean think about it, when you go on a diet you dont just suddenly stop wanting junk food. You don't just stop wanting chocolate, or Maccas or what ever it is that is your ultimate choice of junk. You know that you are not allowed to want this food, you know that when you eat it you feel awful but you also know that you will never be able to live without it completely.
Is this what happens when love goes wrong? On some normal level you know that it is not good for you but that doesn't stop you wanting it just the same.
Let me give you an example:
My friend is able to break up with someone and then never talk to them again. When she realises that they have a flaw that is that, they are gone and she doesn't think about them or talk to them. She believes that when you make the break then you need to ensure that it is a clean break. A break that has no rugged edges and that is crystal clear to all invloved. Im impressed with her resolve, I just wish that mine was just as good.
When I break up with someone I love I still want them around. I dont know if this is punishment for myself or for them. I want to hold on to them, even when it punishes my heart. I think about them constantly and I want to know why they dont feel about me what they use to. I mean if they love you to, where did that love go? Did it run away, or did it fall down the back of the bed in the hope that you would find it when you are cleaning the floor?
The other problem is that when I break up with someone I want to keep these people as my friend. That's a funny concept I know. I mean obivously something was wrong and that is why we are not really together any more. But really if we were friends to start with, why can't we be friends now? Am I not friendship material or am I just a reminder of their failure to have a successful relationship?
All of this got me thinking the other day..............relationships are obviously some persons mean and nasty way of making us think that we should really not be by ourselves, even when ourselves are the best person to have a relationship with.
Who says that we are no longer allowed to love someone in the hope that the feelings will miraculously just stop? I mean think about it, when you go on a diet you dont just suddenly stop wanting junk food. You don't just stop wanting chocolate, or Maccas or what ever it is that is your ultimate choice of junk. You know that you are not allowed to want this food, you know that when you eat it you feel awful but you also know that you will never be able to live without it completely.
Is this what happens when love goes wrong? On some normal level you know that it is not good for you but that doesn't stop you wanting it just the same.
Let me give you an example:
My friend is able to break up with someone and then never talk to them again. When she realises that they have a flaw that is that, they are gone and she doesn't think about them or talk to them. She believes that when you make the break then you need to ensure that it is a clean break. A break that has no rugged edges and that is crystal clear to all invloved. Im impressed with her resolve, I just wish that mine was just as good.
When I break up with someone I love I still want them around. I dont know if this is punishment for myself or for them. I want to hold on to them, even when it punishes my heart. I think about them constantly and I want to know why they dont feel about me what they use to. I mean if they love you to, where did that love go? Did it run away, or did it fall down the back of the bed in the hope that you would find it when you are cleaning the floor?
The other problem is that when I break up with someone I want to keep these people as my friend. That's a funny concept I know. I mean obivously something was wrong and that is why we are not really together any more. But really if we were friends to start with, why can't we be friends now? Am I not friendship material or am I just a reminder of their failure to have a successful relationship?
All of this got me thinking the other day..............relationships are obviously some persons mean and nasty way of making us think that we should really not be by ourselves, even when ourselves are the best person to have a relationship with.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Expectations
Its funny when we build something up in our mind. The way we think about something constantly and have wishes and dreams about what it should be like and then reality hits and you realise that what you thought was not actually what was going to happen.
You build things up in your mind until you have every part of the conversation down, every gesture known and every second played out. You dream about it in advance and it consumes your every waking moment and then the time passes and nothing is the same as it was before.
I have come to realise that these moments are only moments in your mind. That real life is never going to play out the way that you want and that nothing is ever going to change that.
Not that I dont like real life. I love it, the way it comes up and hits you in the face when you least expect it, it reminds you that nothing is as you think. I love my life, well most of the time. I love the friends that I have and my children. I love my family and the way that my life plays out on a day to day basis.
But what I dont like is when someone has you believe something because they havent told you the whole truth. The haven't told you that your expectations are about to be shattered. They haven't told you that what you want from them is just not going to happen. They haven't told you the whole truth but have let you place expectations on what you think is going to happen.
So while my life is great in some ways, I can only hope that in the future these expectations will not lead me astray again. I am going to listen to what people are saying rather than just what i want them to be saying, that way I wont be let down again.
You build things up in your mind until you have every part of the conversation down, every gesture known and every second played out. You dream about it in advance and it consumes your every waking moment and then the time passes and nothing is the same as it was before.
I have come to realise that these moments are only moments in your mind. That real life is never going to play out the way that you want and that nothing is ever going to change that.
Not that I dont like real life. I love it, the way it comes up and hits you in the face when you least expect it, it reminds you that nothing is as you think. I love my life, well most of the time. I love the friends that I have and my children. I love my family and the way that my life plays out on a day to day basis.
But what I dont like is when someone has you believe something because they havent told you the whole truth. The haven't told you that your expectations are about to be shattered. They haven't told you that what you want from them is just not going to happen. They haven't told you the whole truth but have let you place expectations on what you think is going to happen.
So while my life is great in some ways, I can only hope that in the future these expectations will not lead me astray again. I am going to listen to what people are saying rather than just what i want them to be saying, that way I wont be let down again.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Family History
I have recently started researching my family history.
Its a great way to pass plenty of time. I mean you start with a name and you try and work out who is related to you and then you get stuck and have to try a different track. It can take you hours to work out and you end up with so much paper work. But I have found some really interesting facts.
To begin with, one of my relatives died when she had an illegal abortion that went horribly wrong. The woman who did the abortion was subject to two years hard labour after being found guilty of using an illegal instrument inside a body. There was a Coroners hearing and everything. I some how think that at 17, she should probably have gotten married and just had the baby, but instead due to the family and societal attitudes at the time, this young girl died in the prime of her life. Today she would have been allowed to have the baby and just be a single mum, but back then she would have been shunned.
Some of my relatives died before they even started life. Lots of infant mortality, people had big families because some of them died before they even reached 5. It reminded me a lot of Charles Dickens and the lives that he wrote about. Couples having large families so that there was someone to look after them in their old age. Makes sense then, but now, isn't that what the government is for?
Family history is an interesting way to understand your place in the world. But I am learning something more valuable than just names on a page. People are only that - names on a page - until their stories come to life. The young girl who died after an abortion, the kids who dont make the age of 5. The way that people lived and what they did for a living. It makes me keep wondering who is the world before me. What were these people like and am I anything like them? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out......
Its a great way to pass plenty of time. I mean you start with a name and you try and work out who is related to you and then you get stuck and have to try a different track. It can take you hours to work out and you end up with so much paper work. But I have found some really interesting facts.
To begin with, one of my relatives died when she had an illegal abortion that went horribly wrong. The woman who did the abortion was subject to two years hard labour after being found guilty of using an illegal instrument inside a body. There was a Coroners hearing and everything. I some how think that at 17, she should probably have gotten married and just had the baby, but instead due to the family and societal attitudes at the time, this young girl died in the prime of her life. Today she would have been allowed to have the baby and just be a single mum, but back then she would have been shunned.
Some of my relatives died before they even started life. Lots of infant mortality, people had big families because some of them died before they even reached 5. It reminded me a lot of Charles Dickens and the lives that he wrote about. Couples having large families so that there was someone to look after them in their old age. Makes sense then, but now, isn't that what the government is for?
Family history is an interesting way to understand your place in the world. But I am learning something more valuable than just names on a page. People are only that - names on a page - until their stories come to life. The young girl who died after an abortion, the kids who dont make the age of 5. The way that people lived and what they did for a living. It makes me keep wondering who is the world before me. What were these people like and am I anything like them? Who knows, but I can't wait to find out......
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